I Could Write a Book, But It's Already Been Written

It's hard to believe it's been a more than decade since I began this journey called motherhood. Ten full years of not only trying to figure out how to raise and mold bright, thoughtful and productive human beings, but trying to figure out how not to lose myself and my career in the process. It's been mostly a journey of trial and error -- but looking back, I realized I've learned SO much. I could fill volumes with the lessons learned, but as I gaze at the extensive library I've amassed and relied on along the way, I realize that most of it's already been written.

If I wrote a book, I'd inevitably start with a chapter on what I wish I knew before I became a mother. Except Maria Shriver already wrote it and it's called, Ten Things I Wish I'd Known -- Before I Went into the Real World. This quick read started as a fabulous graduation speech that was ultimately published. In it, there are a couple of great chapters, including "Superwoman is Dead...and Superman May Be Taking Viagra" and "Children Do Change Your Career." Both offer great perspective on motherhood and attempt to manage expectations of what you can realistically accomplish as a mom.

The next part of my book would detail the reality of motherhood -- how the joy of meeting and raising the greatest loves of our lives is tempered by the pain and confusion of trying to decide who we are now that everything but our name and phone number has changed and what kind of mother we want to be (working or not) and how that decision is sometimes made for us when we realize that the modern workforce, society at large and even sometimes our own biology doesn't quite accommodate a mother's choice to work. There are so many books on this topic from Expectations, a collection of essays by and about mothers, to the stark, The Mask of Motherhood by Susan Maushart that debunks society's myths about the glorification of motherhood, to the more tempered and practical, Opting Out by Pamela Stone or It's Not the Glass Ceiling, It's the Sticky Floor by Dr. Karen Enberg that chronicle why women have such a hard time managing both work and motherhood.

Of course any book would have to offer practical advice on how to make it work if you do choose to "hang on to your career with your fingernails." But books like This is How We Do It by Carol Evans, How to Avoid the Mommy Trap by Julie Shields, The NeXt Revolution by Charlotte and Laura Shelton and the very funny The White Trash Mom Handbook, among many others all thoroughly cover this topic.

The most difficult section to write would be the end -- what's the resolution? There is still so much work to do to make things better for us moms. The Motherood Manifesto, the rallying cry for Momsrising.org by Joan Blades and Kristen Rowe-Finkbeiner, thoroughly details the issues and lays out great arguments for better public policy on everything from affordable childcare to equal wages for equal work. Why Work Sucks and How to Fix it by former Best Buy employees Cali Ressler and Jody Thomspon and inventors of a fabulous alternative work idea called ROWE (results-only work environment) offers a unique approach to help balance work and family not just for women but for everyone.

But I believe the first step is helping women find their voice. We have to first recognize that as women and mothers, we have tremendous value collectively and individually. We have to believe that there are ways we can make things better for ourselves -- first at home, then at work and in society. We have to understand that just like the suffragists or the feminists before us, we are the only ones that can change things. We have to speak up and speak out.

Maybe I don't have to write a book. Maybe through this blog, in some small way, I can help inspire and effect incremental change. We all have to start somewhere.

I Could Write a Book, But It's Already Been Written

Lies We Tell Our Children

I'm so pissed at the tooth fairy. That wench* completely blew us off this week. Twice.

The Boss lost her second tooth. She was SO excited. She could not WAIT for the tooth fairy to come. We talked all about whether the tooth fairy would let her keep her tooth or not because she wanted to show it to her friends. We finally decided to just let the tooth fairy take the tooth. Tooth fairy protocol, after all.

And then the wench didn't show. No dollar, no nothing. Have you ever seen a 6 yo face forgotten by the tooth fairy? It is a very, very sad face.

And then Nanny figured it out. The Boss must have forgotten to ASK the tooth fairy to come. Oh, man! How could we forget that? So the Boss wrote a note on her dry erase board to remind herself to ASK the tooth fairy to come. And THIS time, the Boss remembered to ask before bed.

But the next morning, AGAIN, nothing but a SUPER sad 6 yo face. So being the fast thinking super mommy that I am, I ran downstairs when the Boss wasn't looking, grabbed a dollar from my wallet and while the Boss was in the bathroom brushing what's left of her teeth, I grabbed the lost tooth which had thankfully fallen under the bed -- the Boss hadn't yet seen it was still there -- and threw the dollar there instead.

"Boss!!!" I cried, "Come see what I found!!!" I showed her the dollar under the bed ("It must have fallen there while you were sleeping!") and the super sad face turned into a super relieved and happy face.

I TOTALLY saved the wench's ass. But damn that freaking* tooth fairy!

* I could use stronger language here, but I just can't bring myself to curse out the tooth fairy. Especially when he's had alot on his mind at work this week.

Lies We Tell Our Children

Sanity in Small Steps

I should be getting my house back in order.

I should be planning a nutritious dinner for my family and hauling my butt to the grocery store to make it happen.

I should be caring that my kids have been staring at screens all day long, first the TV, then the computer and now their Nintendo DS screens.

I should be catching up on work, instead of being incredibly behind.

I should be composing several very in-depth and profound blog posts about work-life balance that have been formulating in my head for some time now.

But instead of being a "good wife," "good mom," "good employee" and even "good blogger," I've been glued to the TV all morning watching the historic inauguration unfold, writing this quickie post, getting ready to play a game with my kids and take them to the movies and planning to swing by Chick-Fil-A for dinner. Screw being "good." Today, I'm opting to just BE.

Sanity in Small Steps

This One's Gotta Stick

Last year I made a singular resolution. It was bold. It was profound. And it was a complete and utter failure.

Ok, I'm being a little hard on myself. It wasn't as if I tried and failed. It's just that the resolution itself was a bit of a reach. And pretty naive.

I had resolved to enjoy my life more, which is a perfectly valid and reasonable resolution. Except that I forgot that in order to enjoy my life, I had to like it first. I forgot to fix some things. I went from being mildly dissatisfied with my life in the beginning of the year, to completely hating it by the end. Instead of paring down on work like I had originally planned, I ramped up. To compensate for it, I changed some things at home. And I took on some extracurricular things I shouldn't have. The nail-biting election and tanking economy didn't help much.

As a result, by fall, I sank into a deep, dark hole. And by hole, I mean an honest-to-god depression. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't focus, I couldn't do much of anything. I barely held it together in public and fell apart at home. I became angry and lost interest in doing things I normally enjoy like blogging (notice how boring I got right around Sept/Oct? Given the unsubscribes around that time some of you clearly did.). Me, the one with the perfect house, the perfect job, the perfect husband, perfect nanny and the truly perfect kids. Me, the one with the relatively idyllic childhood (which I almost never bring up because, you know, who wants to hear that? Ok, my mom made me eat food I didn't like and talk to people I didn't know very well even though I was really, really shy. OK? Happy now?). I was actually depressed.

I'm feeling better now. Maybe it's because I finally admitted to myself and to Hubby that I needed help and started to look for some. Maybe it's because I read this disturbing article and realized that lots of other women like me are going through the same thing. Maybe it's because I've finally gotten some sleep. Or maybe it's because I know that things can only get better from here.

So my new singular and profound resolution for this year is to take a step back and do what I probably should have done last year. Fix my life. I'm not exactly sure how yet, but this is one resolution that I'm absolutely committed to keeping.

This One's Gotta Stick

Angry

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that things are intense at work right now and I'm not getting much sleep. It could be the economy and the fact that I've now lost my psychological safety net. Not to mention the stress of this extended election.

But whatever it is, the dam has burst and I'm pissed. Really, really angry. I feel like I'm drowning in a never-ending sea of sadness and anger.

I'm mad that being a mom is so hard and no one bothered to tell me that before I became one. I'm livid that unless otherwise assigned, whether I have a full time job or not, everything under the category of "childrearing" falls to me. I'm seething that I was sold a bill of goods growing up in the 70s. Despite being brainwashed to the contrary, turns out I can't "do it all." I'm mad that as a working mom I'm stretched so thin I can't enjoy my job or muster up enough energy to fully engage with my kids when I'm home. Eventually something's got to give and right now that something seems to be my mental health.

Hubby is trying to be patient and supportive. He's always ready with a "How ya doin' honey?" or a sympathetic hug. I know I should be grateful. But as I'm drowning, it seems like he's sitting high and dry in a lifeboat, cheering me on and throwing me kisses, "How ya doin' honey? You're doing great!" And all the while there's a life preserver sitting right next to him that he can't seem to see no matter how many times or ways I try to point it out.

And so, yes, I'm mad at him too. I'm mad that even though he promised before we had kids that we'd split the responsibilities 50-50 (not 80-20, not even 60-40), he's not really willing or able to hold up his end of the deal. And just when I think I've finally come to accept the fact that men will be men and that women and their control tendencies share the burden of the blame, I seem to get angry all over again.

I'm pissed that there are no good solutions. No matter what, moms seem to get the short end of the stick. Whether they work or stay home, moms are never fully recognized or appreciated for all that they do to create and shape the next generation of the human race. I've yet to run across a mom who feels just wonderful, happy and secure in her life choices.

But mostly I'm mad at myself -- I'm upset that I'm seemingly not selfless enough for this mommy gig and that I can't just be grateful for the wonderful life that I have. After all, I have a loving husband, two beautiful and healthy daughters, a cat, a dog, a lovely house and a very good job. What more can anyone possibly want?

Angry

A Business (Guilt) Trip

This week I had a whirlwind business trip -- five different meetings in two cities over three days and two nights. Thankfully, I don't have to travel alot for work and when I do, it's typically a one or two day trip. So this was a particularly long one for me.

Business travel for a working mom always has its pros and cons. For a short time, I get to revert back to my single, unattached days -- no screaming kids, a big QUIET room and bed all to myself and complete freedom to do what I want, uninterrupted, for hours at a time. But it also means big stress of having to tie up loose ends at home, delegate all of my usual mommy duties for the time I'm gone and the ultimate con of not being able to see Hubby and the girls for an extended period of time.

Between Hubby and the best. nanny. in. the. world., the girls are well taken care of. And it doesn't seem like I'm missing much every time I call home:

Amy: Hi, sweetie!!! How are you?
Kid (could be either one): Good.
Amy: What's going on?
Kid: Nothing.
Amy: How was school today?
Kid: Good.
Amy: Anything new?
Kid: Um....no.

If I'm lucky I might get an anecdote about an incident on the playground or a report about a playdate. But I usually have to rely on Nanny for any pertinent information.

It was a productive trip for work, I actually got to have dinner with my parents while I was in New York, and knowing all was well at home, I was feeling ok about being gone. That is, until I arrived home.

"MOOOOOOOOMMY!!!!" the normally low-key and unaffectionate Boss comes running and plows into me with a big hug. She hands me a folded piece of yellow construction paper with her shaky kindergarten handwriting on it.

"I made you a welcome home card," she tells me excitedly. "Read it!!!"

Of course I immediately open it and read "I missed you deer mom I wish you had a good time on your business (with backward 's'es) trip Imissed you I am going to be excited to come home today!"

Hello, Guilt, my old friend.

I hope Sarah Palin is ready for this.

A Business (Guilt) Trip

If Carol Brady Can Do It

Remember this post where my split personalities once again duel in my head over the current state of my career? Turns out, Professional Amy and Professional Amy's employer ganged up on poor Mommy Amy. Sensing imminent doom, Professional Amy's boss offered her the chance to participate in a nifty new "Leadership Program" where she would learn how to hone her "leadership skills" through personal assessments, coaching sessions and management seminars. Professional Amy thought it was a great excuse not to quit her job terrific professional development opportunity she just couldn't pass up.

As consolation, Professional Amy and Hubby came up with a brilliant scheme to get Mommy Amy some more help. While Hubby had been pitching in and would continue to, we all agreed he wasn't the full solution. We needed someone who would be more capable available and proactive. So remember this job description? We realized we already had someone working for us who fit the bill. With the wave of our magic checkbook, we turned our nanny into a "house manager."

It made sense. Both girls would be in school full time in the fall and even when they weren't, they're old enough not to require Nanny's (real name cleverly disguised) full attention the way they did when they were little. We gave Nanny responsibility for cooking dinner for the family, keeping the house stocked with groceries, washing linens and towels and doing a variety of errands (dry cleaning, buying birthday party presents, keeping pet food stocked, etc.). Nanny, being the best. nanny. in. the. world. as well as a natural organization freak, is taking her new duties to heart and creating all kinds of fun organization projects for herself like cleaning out a variety of closets around the house.

Professional Amy is feeling a lighter load but Mommy Amy isn't quite so charmed by this new arrangement. It's hard not to have full control over the house. Nanny's got everything organized to the point where we can't find anything anymore. It's weird to have someone else cook our dinner. In an effort to impress us, Nanny's been trying these strange new dishes. We've gently tried telling her that we'd be very happy to eat the spaghetti and meatballs she made for the kids but she's determined to be the very best house manager she can be.

Carol Brady may have been content to sit around and sip coffee while Alice the Housekeeper controlled the house operations, but Mommy Amy never in a million years thought she'd be the kind of mom who relied on someone else to do what she considers "her job." In the meantime, Professional Amy is making an effort to curb her hours at the office to be around more for the kids. She's still struggling with the balance, but she's learning some things from this new leadership program.

We know we're lucky we can afford the extra help. We know we shouldn't complain. The discontent probably has more to do with how both Amy's are feeling about the job we're doing. We'll see how long this arrangement lasts. But this is where we are. For now.

If Carol Brady Can Do It

Inside My Head

We're having one of those conversations again. This time it's taking a decidedly different turn.

Mommy Amy: Ok, we tried it your way. It's not working for me.

Professional Amy: What? What do you mean? We got promoted! Twice!!!

Mommy Amy: Yeah, I admit, that last promotion was a very nice surprise...it's great to be appreciated. But we've been in this department for over a decade now. Are we learning? Are we growing? Is this worth the sacrifices we're making?

Professional Amy: But we have a "V" in our title now. And a "P"!

Mommy Amy: I get it, but I miss the kids. I feel so disconnected to what's going on with them. I'm tired of the last minute scrambles to get them to school or to get their stuff together for whatever's going on that week. I'm tired of juggling schedules to cover for sick days or for the freaking lice. I'm tired of being distracted by my Blackberry whenever I'm home. I'm tired of being an exhausted wretch trying to do it all.

Professional Amy: What about Hubby? He's supposed to be helping you...

Mommy Amy: Well, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I had to let him go. He just wasn't working out. Nice guy and everything...cute too...he's just not qualified for the job.

Professional Amy: What about Nanny?

Mommy Amy: Yes, she's amazing. We all love her and I would be very sorry to see her go. But we only have her a handful of hours a week and that's just not enough to cover everything. And NO, I don't want to up her hours -- I'm not going to farm out my mommy duties. If one more child calls me "Nanny," I'm going to cry.

Professional Amy: But this is a great job. We fight cancer. We get paid. We work with great people. We get benefits -- good ones!

Mommy Amy: I know. But I'm sure we can still stay involved with the organization -- maybe they'll give us some freelance work or we can be a volunteer.

Professional Amy: It makes no sense to quit now. The little one is almost in school full-time. That's normally when moms go BACK to work -- not quit.

Mommy Amy: That's ridiculous. Both kids are still young. They still need us. You're young! You'll have plenty of time to accomplish your goals when they're older. Look, I'm tired of being tired. All. the. time. Is that the kind of life you want? Is that what makes you happy?

Professional Amy: I don't know...

Mommy Amy: Why can't we try my way for a while? Maybe we could go back to school...advance the career and keep our mind sharp while we stay home with the kids for a while?

Professional Amy: I need to think about it.

Mommy Amy: I'll give you a few months, but at the end of this school year, I need a decision.

Not sure how this one is going to go down, but it's not looking good for the professional me.

Inside My Head

Honey, You're Fired

WANTED: Supportive partner to help raise children and manage household. Must be proactive self-starter with ability to juggle multiple tasks with little to no supervision. Must be intuitive, nurturing, flexible and willing and able to shift plans on a moments notice. Positive, can-do attitude a plus.

About a year ago, I went back to work full-time. The timing wasn't ideal, but the opportunity presented itself and hubby was thrilled. Convinced I'm not happy unless I'm "in charge of alot of people, telling them what to do," hubby encouraged me to take the job (and the huge salary increase). To sweeten the deal, he promised to "step up" and "do whatever it takes" to "do his part" to help with my other full-time gig as a mom.

Despite his very good intentions and best efforts, I finally realized that he's just not the right guy for the mommy job. The evidence has been mounting:

Inability to follow instructions (or poor listening skills). Example: Last week, it was hubby's turn to stay home with a sick DD#1. Before I left for work, I gave explicit instructions: give her two more Tylenol tablets anytime after 11 am. Still, when I returned home at 2 pm, I found a feverish daughter laid out on the couch. When asked "Why didn't you give her the Tylenol?" hubby replied "I wasn't sure if or when I could give her anything." Hello? Two tablets? 11 am? Ring a bell?

Example #2: the very sad towel incident with DD#2 last month.

Total lack of intuition and initiative. Example: Also last week, it was hubby's turn to take DD#2, who we thought was fully recovered from the same flu bug, to preschool in the morning. DD#2 was still sleeping when I left the house for work, which immediately set off my mommy radar that something was wrong, but I opted not to wake her. A mid-day call from the preschool teacher confirmed my suspicions. DD#2 wasn't acting herself and felt warm to the touch. When asked whether DD#2 mentioned anything about feeling sick when she woke up, hubby said, "Yeah, she said something about being sick last night, but I didn't think anything of it."

Inability to perform duties without constant supervision. Example: After convincing hubby he needed to take DD#1 back to the doctor (which required a federal case and much yelling), I had to make the appointment and, despite him having been to the pediatrician's office several times, I had to give him detailed instructions on how to get there, what to do when he arrived, who to ask for and what to tell the doctor/nurse. I then called him 30 minutes before the appointment to make sure he had all the instructions straight. Good thing I did. ("What's the name of this place called again? Who do I ask for? What do I tell them?")

I could go on. One thing is for sure...I most definitely do not enjoy being in charge of anyone who cannot carry out their duties as assigned. I have serious doubts about whether I can manage the paying job and the mommy job all on my own, but that's another post for another day.

Right now my task seems very clear -- honey, I love you. You're fired.

Honey, You're Fired

Go Read This

Here's a lesson in balance (or laziness). Rather than expend my own energy and brain cells (of which I have none left to spare) by enthralling you with my own musings, I'm going to direct you to this fabulous post by one of my favorite bloggers. So glad she's back from the playa. I was getting tired of looking at the palm trees on her blog, wishing I was on my own playa.

In her latest post, Mom-101 confirms what us Dems have known all along. Despite all their rhetoric about family values, Republicans are not so much about valuing families.

Read her post, then while you're at it, go to this site and download a free voter guide. It'll give you a great list of questions to ask yourself about the family-friendliness of the candidates you're considering. It's time we elect someone who will do right by those of us trying to earn a living, raise a family and maintain our sanity all at the same time. Our kids may be almost grown by the time we get another shot.

Go Read This

Another One Bites the Dust

One of my favorite working mommy bloggers finally threw in the towel.

*Sigh*

Can't say I blame her. She fought the good fight. She made heroic efforts to invite peace and sanity into her life. She scaled back her work assignments, did the part-time thing. She took control of her life, setting clear limits both in her work life and in her personal life. She did EVERYTHING right to try to perfectly balance mommyhood and a successful out of home job with a major firm in a big, fancy office and it STILL wasn't enough.

Lately I've been wondering if work/life balance for us moms is at all possible. I'm especially wondering that today, a day that began with me bolting out the door at the crack of dawn to make an 8 am meeting reeling off instructions to my husband about straightening up the house for the cleaning service and the list of stuff daughter #2 needed for preschool. Despite my clear direction, he forgot to put a towel in said daughter's backpack for swimming and she sadly had to share another kid's towel (dang, I KNEW that was too much information for him!). The replay of her 4 year-old dismay when she discovered no towel, her reluctance to say something to her teachers and her shivering, dripping little body as she stood patiently waiting for her friend's used wet towel continues to play over and over in my head ("And it didn't even have a princess on it, Mommy!") Oh, the guilt!!!

We often blame the extreme work environments and inflexible work policies for the imbalance. But I have all the flexibility one could possibly want. My boss lets me set my own schedule. I'm free to attend any school play, recital, parent/teacher conference, doctors appointment I want. I can work from home at the drop of a hat. Heck, my organization actually gives me 15 hours of time off a year, separate and apart from my regular time off, to do volunteer work. And volunteering at my kids' schools counts! I have a fabulous nanny and though he may not be perfect, my husband does do his part. And yet I STILL find it completely overwhelming.

Why is that? Why can't we seem to make work...well, work? Is it because we're a product of our generation -- hopeless over-achievers unable to let go and not do everything perfectly? Or is it that work and motherhood really truly in our heart of hearts if we were really truly honest with ourselves really don't mix?

I curse the 70's and its unrealistic, idealistic vision for us women. I still blame Gloria Steinem and that f-ing bring home the bacon commercial for making us believe we could do it all. Not to mention that Free to Be You and Me "Parents are People" song (click through -- you gotta watch this). We were brainwashed!

There's gotta be a better way -- some kind of solution. But I'm too tired to figure it out now. After all, tomorrow is another day.

Another One Bites the Dust

Something's Gotta Give

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything. I know. It's been a deliberate, but temporary break. Pressures from work mounted. The kids activities loomed. And we had yet another bout of lice. My mental and physical health actually declined. I needed a break. To spend time in the real world vs. the virtual world. To take care of myself. I worked out a little, vegged out in front of the TV and even reconnected with my kids. It's been nice.

I knew my readers (all eight of them) would understand. That's what this blog is about. Knowing when enough is enough. Caring about yourself enough to actually care for yourself.

But I still have some things to say. I'll post a real post. Soon.

Something's Gotta Give

Eureka!!!

This week, my children ate sweet potatoes, carrots, white beans, wheat germ, cauliflower and zucchini. And they loved it!!!

I assure you my children are normal, red-blooded American children whose diets primarily consist of chicken fingers, mac and cheese and pizza. And I am a normal, American mom whose concept of "making dinner" is popping something in the microwave or ordering from the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru window.

But that's all behind us. We've discovered the joy of being a sneaky chef!

The Sneaky Chef is an ingenious cookbook full of standard kid fare recipes with a boost of nutrition snuck in. The sneakiness starts with a variety of veggie purees mixed into the recipes. You add just enough puree for your kid to get some honest to goodness vitamins, but the veggies themselves go completely undetected. This week, we loved the cheese quesadillas, pizza bagels and peanut butter mini muffins all made with the sneaky orange (carrots and sweet potato) and/or white (cauliflower, zucchini or white bean) purees. But the biggest hit of the week was the chicken fingers made with the orange puree and the wheat bread crumb, almond and wheat germ breading ("MMMmmm!!!" said the four year old; the seven year old asked for seconds.) Even moms like me can handle these recipes. Although the purees forced me to get reacquainted with my food processor, they're easy enough to make and can be frozen for future use.

God bless the original Sneaky Chef, Missy Chase Lapine, for spending hours on end with her girlfriend testing tons of sneaky recipes that our children would love. The sneaky chef concept is now a hot new trend. Jessica Seinfeld (Jerry's wife) has come out with her own cookbook (watch Oprah tomorrow) which offers more sneaky recipes and ingredients to choose from. As loathe as I am to buy Seinfeld's book (ok, I admit I'm anti-celebrity. She may be a very nice person and I realize it's not her fault, but I'm a bit bitter that the doctor that cured me of cancer and my mom who taught inner city kids each made a teeny tiny fraction of the fortune that her husband did for what -- pretending to be himself on TV??? But I digress...), I'm now a sneaky chef convert and am anxious to find some other recipes to add to the repertoire.

These books kill two birds with one stone answering the dilemma of what to make for dinner while minimizing the food wars with the kids. The sneaky chef concept is a great example of the kind of balance I seek -- making things better for my kids, yet making life (so much) easier for me.

Eureka!!!

A Bad Mommy Moment

This week I officially earned my Bad Mommy Club badge and simultaneously got a free trial membership for the Bad Neighbor Club. The other day, my four year old got an invitation to play with a little girl around the corner. I happily accepted and told the girl's mom that our nanny would call her when she arrived home from picking my daughter up from preschool. Unbeknownst to me, our nanny decided to run a few errands (ones I had asked her to do) on her way back from carpool and took much longer than I expected. By the time she got back, I was completely engrossed in a conference call from work and ended up forgetting all about the play date invitation until the next morning.

Needless to say, I was (and still am) completely mortified. The invitation was from a neighbor I like a lot whose daughter my daughter loves. I immediately emailed my neighbor a "I'M COMPLETELY MORTIFIED" note and called her later that day and left her a "I hope you got my note and in case you didn't, I'm so sorry!!!" voicemail. But so far I've gotten no response.

I realize that of the multitude of mommy offenses, this one is fairly tame. I mean, forgetting a play date isn't as bad as forgetting a child's school event, or forgetting to pick up a child from somewhere or you know, forgetting Christmas or something. And really, this week wasn't any ordinary week of insanity -- it was total and utter chaos. Aside from having an extremely intense week at work, three of the five home improvement projects we have going right now went horribly awry, my parents decided to drop in for a visit mid-week, the little one's school was closed for a fairly obscure Jewish holiday, and my older daughter generously bequeathed me the horrible cold she had, which meant hacking and sneezing my way through the week, snot running down my face, operating on very little sleep. And let's not forget we're still dealing with the remnants of Lice Fest 2007. But none of that was my neighbor's problem and I still feel like the biggest loser in the land of mommyville.

I could (and did) lay my guilt at the feet of my career. If I hadn't been so involved at work, if I had been the one to pick up my preschooler instead of my nanny and hadn't had to relay the message, things would have been fine. But I can't completely go there. Every time I do, I think of the time my own mom, then a SAHM, wrote down the birthday party of a new friend (and neighbor) on the wrong date in her calendar, causing me to miss the party completely. All moms make mistakes. At least my own daughter is blissfully unaware of this one.

I'm hoping my neighbor will forgive me and that I haven't completely blown a friendship for my daughter. I know my neighbor and her husband are getting ready to launch a new business venture soon and she's been a bit crazy herself. If a friend did this and told me afterwards, I'd tell my friend to give herself a break. But it's much easier to beat myself up. Help me feel better -- have you earned a spot in the Bad Mommy Club?

A Bad Mommy Moment

Are We Too Busy?

Yesterday, I left my straightening iron on. All day. I didn't realize it was still plugged in until I mindlessly threw a washcloth on top of it and eventually smelled something burning. It was one of those busy, overbooked days where we had one activity planned after another. I was rushing to get us all out the door, my mind focused on the long list of stuff we had to do. And in the process, I could have burned our house down. Or maybe something worse.

Of course I thanked my lucky stars that I escaped a potentially horrendous situation and vowed to be more mindful and careful in the future. But if I'm truly honest with myself, odds are something like that is bound to happen again. And I couldn't help but think of Brenda Slaby, the mother that killed her two year old daughter earlier this month by forgetting to drop her off at the babysitter and accidentally leaving her in the back of her sweltering car.

Brenda's story struck such a cord with me. I'd like to think that I would never, ever make such a careless, tragic mistake as to forget about my sleeping child in the back seat of my car. But my straightening iron incident was a sobering reminder that there are plenty of other ways that I could inadvertently harm my family by simply being scatterbrained. I've been struck by the lack of commentary on the Slaby story among the mommy blogs that I generally read. Maybe it's because we all have our straightening iron incidents and so the story hits a bit too close to home.

And so I can't help but ask, are we too busy?

Yes, most of us would admit that we're over scheduled (note to self: daughter #1 has Brownies tomorrow; daughter #2 has swimming). When my first child was a baby, I vowed that we wouldn't get sucked into that overachiever mindset where my children had to do absolutely everything. But somehow the activities just creeped up on us and the logistics and accouterments for the activities (who goes where when and what equipment do they need?) coupled with the accouterments and logistics for school (who goes where when, who needs what signed and who's doing what for lunch?), is alot to keep up with.

The activities are within our control and something to seriously consider paring back (I am). But it's not the whole story. Those of us who work know that it's also a big distraction. Joan Blades, co-founder of Momsrising.org writes about the extreme work phenomenon, where people work 24/7 leaving little time for family or anything else, in "A Peaceful Revolution" on The Huffington Post. "Might we be working stupid because we are so tired?" Blades writes. "It is time for us to consider our values." My boss and I debated this extreme work environment when I confronted him on my lack of career progression due to my mommy status. "I have all of this work that needs to get done. I need someone who can be available all the time," he lamented. While as a manager I understood his argument, I rhetorically asked why working around the clock had to be the norm and commented that it couldn't be healthy for anyone -- working moms or not.

I found this great NY Times article, "Too Busy to Notice You're Too Busy," when doing my limited research for this post. It's written by a woman who seems to have figured it out. I couldn't agree with her more that we all need to consciously find ways to make ourselves less busy. But we also need to find ways to change the extreme work environment. I'm counting on Momsrising.org and other organizations to lead the way on that front. In the meantime, I've put my Blackberry aside for the night and refuse to check my work email so that I can do what I enjoy most -- writing for this blog.

Are We Too Busy?

I'm on the New Mommy Track!!

US News and World Report did a cover story on me!!! Ok, well not me specifically, but on moms like me.

This week's US News and World Report cover story "The New Mommy Track" is about how some women are avoiding the "opt out" phenomenon by negotiating flexible work schedules and non-traditional career tracks. I'm so thrilled to see other women finding ways to blend work and family in ways that work for them.

I've been blazing this trail in my own organization, negotiating a variety of unique work arrangements over the last five years. Following my very first maternity leave, I asked my (relatively) new boss if I could work from home a couple of days a week to be close to my baby and keep an eye on our new nanny. He reluctantly agreed to a temporary trial and it ended up working out for both of us. I remained as flexible as I could to accommodate work needs and as soon as I was comfortable leaving my daughter, I was back at the office full time. When my second daughter came along three years later, I was tired of the full time working mommy thing and wanted out. I tried to resign, but my boss, now having built a level of confidence and trust in me, made me an offer I couldn't refuse -- a part time position. We negotiated hours, carefully devised a role that fit my experience and kept the workload to a manageable level. Each year, I arranged my work schedule around my children, working mostly on the days that they were in preschool.

Now I'm back at work full time (see this post on the impetus behind that decision), yet I still have a flexible schedule. Our wonderful nanny, who has been with us since my part time days, is only available to us a few days a week. That means two days a week, I leave the office mid-day to pick up my preschooler and work from home the rest of the day. It's not easy to tear myself from the office in the middle of a workday or to conduct business from home. I could make things alot easier on myself by finding alternate childcare arrangements. But the reward is seeing my little one light up when I show up at her school and watching my older daughter jump off the school bus and run around with the neighborhood kids.

Having been the first in my department and among the first in my office to have struck a unique work arrangement, I have felt like a pioneer these last five years. It has not always been easy and it has not been ideal. I often felt guilty for having "special" arrangements (and still do), I sometimes missed out on things (both at work and at home) and the juggling thing can be pretty exhausting. But it has been do-able and it's been the best solution for me. I agree with the US News article that these arrangements are not yet the norm, and I have to give props to my boss who recognizes that he works in a female dominated industry and that he's better off being flexible than hiring new employees all the time. He also has a wife that has struggled with the work/mom quandry. We now have several women in our department with flexible working arrangements (one part-timer and two that job-share) and several former new mommy employees do freelance work for us.

I truly hope this US News article inspires other moms to think outside the box and come up with solutions that work for them. If you've worked for a company for a number of years, you've proven yourself, have a good relationship with your supervisor and he/she is a reasonable person, flexible work arrangements are possible. The trick is to believe in your value and understand that your employer has more to lose than you do if you leave. We do have quite a way to go before these opportunities are available to everyone. But that's something we can work on together.

I'm on the New Mommy Track!!

Divide and Conquer

Tonight my husband and I will do something very few couples ever do. (No, I am not talking about sex). Tonight, we're going to divide The List.

You know The List -- the one that's committed to memory and constantly running through your head like the CNN ticker. The one that rules our lives made famous in the book, "I Don't Know How She Does It." It's the endless list of things that HAS to be done to keep your life and the lives of your family members on track. The one that as soon as one thing is checked off, three more pop on and therefore will never, ever, EVER be successfully and completely completed. That one.

Before you hail my husband a hero for offering, no INSISTING, that we split The List, I submit to you that this was an act of pure self preservation. He was the one that encouraged me to go back to work full time (which means less financial pressure for him). And after experiencing my umpteenth nervous breakdown and constant misery over not being able to keep up with The List anymore, there was simply only one solution. If we were going to share the earning power, we were going to have to share responsibility for The List.

Each Sunday night, we go over The List for the week. We determine who is going to do what and then my husband actually types up a separate list for each of us (ever see your list on paper? It's even more scary in print). At first, I kept forgetting to mention things that should be on The List. Not because I actually forgot them, but because I considered them things "the mom" should do. Eventually I learned to give it all up and I've been amazed at what my husband has taken on. He scheduled and accompanied the kids to their last dental appointment. He researched and organized swim lessons. He got our piano fixed and tuned (that's been on The List for years!). He's even made lunches and packed backpacks.

Now that The List has been reduced to something a bit more manageable, an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. But it also has illuminated one simple truth. While our husbands are more than capable of stepping up and taking on more than they traditionally do, the ultimate responsibility will always lie with the mom. As wonderful as he is, my husband will never remember that we have to call the pediatrician three months in advance to schedule a check up or that every January we have to start registering the kids for camp. Those finer details are in my head and squarely and firmly in my court. But at least being able to delegate these tasks once they arrive is a step in the right direction. For now.

Divide and Conquer

I'm Going Back IN!!!

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything. Since no one reads my blog, I figured no one would notice or care. No one did, but I decided to rejoin the universe of mommy bloggers anyway.

So here's what happened. A few months ago, I voluntarily gave up a part-time gig to return to work full time. Not exactly the best way to achieve life balance, I realize, and according to my grand plan, I had another year until my youngest was in kindergarten before I attempted re-entry into full time professional life. But, I hit a wall and had to do something.

Those of you (you being the legions of loyal followers of Up With Moms) who covet a part time job and think that it's the answer to all of your mommy woes probably think I'm insane. I fully admit, it was a very good job with a great organization I've been with forever. It even came with a decent salary and benefits. But even part time gigs have their limitations for us moms. After doing the job happily for several years, I started noticing that I wasn't getting very challenging assignments. And my non-mommy colleagues were getting promoted beyond me. One even got promoted OVER me. I finally realized that my part time job had landed me squarely on the dreaded mommy track and eventually the professional in me started rebelling.

Professional Amy: I'm bored. This is bull#@!

Mommy Amy: What do you mean? I'm very happy.

Professional Amy: Happy? How can you be happy? Your career is going NOWHERE!

Mommy Amy: I don't know what you're talking about. I have a great job.

Professional Amy: Yes, that's right. You have a job but not a career.

Mommy Amy: Well, so what? I have the best of both worlds. I get to work and be with the kids. Most women would kill for this.

Professional Amy: But are you learning anything? Are you being mentally challenged? C'MON you could do this job in your sleep! What's the point?

Mommy Amy: I get benefits...that's important...

Professional Amy: Oh good. Benefits will get you far in life. How do you plan to parlay benefits into a career goal? The kids won't need you forever, you know. You need to get a life.

Mommy Amy: I don't know what you're talking about...

Professional Amy: Look, I've sacrificed brain cells for the past four years so you can be the perfect mom. It's my turn now. It's time to get serious about work.

Mommy Amy: But...but...what about the kids?

Professional Amy: The kids will be just fine. You'll do quality time with them after work and on the weekends. Anyway, its time they had some more quality time with their dad. You know he'll help fill the gap if you're bringing in more money.

Mommy Amy: I don't know...

Professional Amy: The kids are starting to have their own lives. Time to jump start yours again. We're going back to work!

I'm sure many of you have the same kind of schizophrenic inner dialogue. So Professional Amy won out this time. Do you ever think there will be a day when both Amy's can be satisfied? I'm still holding out hope.

I'm Going Back IN!!!