Sunday, October 19, 2008

Angry

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that things are intense at work right now and I'm not getting much sleep. It could be the economy and the fact that I've now lost my psychological safety net. Not to mention the stress of this extended election.

But whatever it is, the dam has burst and I'm pissed. Really, really angry. I feel like I'm drowning in a never-ending sea of sadness and anger.

I'm mad that being a mom is so hard and no one bothered to tell me that before I became one. I'm livid that unless otherwise assigned, whether I have a full time job or not, everything under the category of "childrearing" falls to me. I'm seething that I was sold a bill of goods growing up in the 70s. Despite being brainwashed to the contrary, turns out I can't "do it all." I'm mad that as a working mom I'm stretched so thin I can't enjoy my job or muster up enough energy to fully engage with my kids when I'm home. Eventually something's got to give and right now that something seems to be my mental health.

Hubby is trying to be patient and supportive. He's always ready with a "How ya doin' honey?" or a sympathetic hug. I know I should be grateful. But as I'm drowning, it seems like he's sitting high and dry in a lifeboat, cheering me on and throwing me kisses, "How ya doin' honey? You're doing great!" And all the while there's a life preserver sitting right next to him that he can't seem to see no matter how many times or ways I try to point it out.

And so, yes, I'm mad at him too. I'm mad that even though he promised before we had kids that we'd split the responsibilities 50-50 (not 80-20, not even 60-40), he's not really willing or able to hold up his end of the deal. And just when I think I've finally come to accept the fact that men will be men and that women and their control tendencies share the burden of the blame, I seem to get angry all over again.

I'm pissed that there are no good solutions. No matter what, moms seem to get the short end of the stick. Whether they work or stay home, moms are never fully recognized or appreciated for all that they do to create and shape the next generation of the human race. I've yet to run across a mom who feels just wonderful, happy and secure in her life choices.

But mostly I'm mad at myself -- I'm upset that I'm seemingly not selfless enough for this mommy gig and that I can't just be grateful for the wonderful life that I have. After all, I have a loving husband, two beautiful and healthy daughters, a cat, a dog, a lovely house and a very good job. What more can anyone possibly want?
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5 comments:

anniegirl1138 said...

No one is self-less enough for the mommy gig. I wish more women would write and talk about what a load of crap the whole "fulfillment" thing is.

Sometimes I feel I was wrong to have even had a child, but I know that more women than not feel this way too, so perhaps it is we who are the normal ones.

ferrin said...

I know what you are writing about, girl. I am a single mama of a six-year-old boy. I have been single since he was four. My exhusband is in the U.S. Army. So, I was alone, alot.

I love my boy, but am incapable of imagining my life with more than one child.

Some advice, if you will; Allow your children, husband and life to begin to show up perfectly. Whenever my son acts up, and he does have his moments. Rather than making him bad and wrong I just take the opportunity to be with him as a blessing and show up to me as perfection. For that's how little kids are. They make messes. They act up, cry and whine.

Another option for you is to look at taking the Landmark Forum with www.landmarkeducation.com. I cannot envision my mama life without this work.

It will take some of your time, but with committment you can do anything, all joking aside.

I request you visit the site and sign up. It is an immediate consideration you'll want to take. For your "problems" will not show up like "problems" anymore. I can promise you that, dear...ferrin

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

Hang in there...I bet you are appreciated far more than you realize! But I hear you on the being stretched thin and I "only" work 30 hours a week. Sometimes I want to cry because "balance" seems like something I will never, ever attain. And of course just when I think I'm figuring things out, I get sucked down by the undertow of mommy guilt, like my 6-year-old asking me last week why I haven't been coming to eat lunch with her at school. UGH!

But seriously...hang in there. I don't doubt that there are many of us who have been in your very shoes.

Anissa@Hope4Peyton said...

I cannot tell you how much your post means to me. I just had this conversation with my husband, not an hour ago about our expectations of each other. I cannot work, be a fully attentive mother, be a loving supportive wife, a friend, volunteer, advocate for our child, take on all these roles and have him complain that it's not good enough. I love each and every hat I wear, but sometimes the weight of them threatens to break my neck.

Balance, I'm working on it.

mudandhoney said...

I just stumbled on your blog. Somehow you have gotten in my brain and put so many of my thoughts to words. I so understand the frustrating and joy-filled place you are coming from. I look forward to reading more.
Re: Husbands and not bathing the vomit from the hair. Subtlety will get you nowhere. I am still learning to master the fine art of Extremely Explicit Instructions Without Treating Him Like A Child. It's a fine line.