A Day in My Life

6 am -- Wake up to blaring alarm, change into workout clothes

6:15 -- Wake the Boss, help her get dressed (long for spring when tights will no longer be de rigueur and 6 yo can dress herself.)

6:30 -- Sign Angel's homework planner, referee sisterly fights, negotiate and create two hairdos, hunt down missing jacket, plead with children to finish breakfast

7:00 -- Kiss girls goodbye, mindlessly pick up Blackberry

7:15 -- Realize I've wasted half my workout time getting sucked into work email and ditch plan to workout in favor of tidying up house in preparation for cleaning crew (crew will only clean surfaces they can find) and for getting dressed to get to work earlier. Discover and clean up lovely package left by either dog or cat in home office.

8:00 -- Get dressed. Choose something equally work- and Brownie-appropriate (with quick change of shoes).

8:45 -- Pack up car with supplies for afternoon Brownie meeting -- snacks, drinks, balloons, bean bag toss, hula hoops, jump ropes, Skechers...check!

9:00 -- Halfway to work, turn around and head back home. Remembered all the Brownie stuff but forgot the #$#%! work briefcase and laptop. There goes earlier work arrival!

9:30 -- Arrive at work. Get sucked into a vortex of non-stop meetings and on-the-fly conversations with colleagues. Breakfast is dry cereal straight out of box. Try to sneak eating lunch during major presentation (where I'm presenter).

2:10 -- Apologetically slink out of major presentation before it is over to head to Brownie meeting. Try to mentally make the shift from career cancer-fighter to Brownie meeting leader on the way. Mentally compose this blog post instead.

2:45 -- Arrive at Brownie meeting. Strip off high heel boots and throw on Skechers. Unload car.

2:50 -- Feed 13 antsy 9 year olds. Wrangle them into lesson about why Sports and Games are important to provide context and meaning to the next 45 minutes of meaningless fun and frivolity. Orchestrate various relay races and games. Get thumbs up from Angel. Goal was to avoid embarrassing her so consider meeting BIG success.

3:50 -- Clean up Brownie site, grab Angel and her best friend. Drop best friend off at her house. Drop Angel off at ours. Take quick bathroom break, quickly check work email on Blackberry and head back out.

4:30 -- Meet with therapist to figure out how to avoid going crazy. Any suggestions?

6:00 -- Arrive back home. Check work emails again. Get download from Nanny and kids on homefront happenings. Negotiate after-dinner snacks with the Boss. Referee more sisterly sniping. Scarf down dinner.

7:45 -- Orchestrate toy clean up. Threaten the Boss within an inch of her life for launching into the "I don't wanna clean up! I don't wanna go to bed!" routine. Not having it tonight.

8:00 -- Start bedtime routine including daily reminder to Angel to brush AND floss teeth. Read Boss bedtime story. Negotiate 8:30 lights out time with Angel, leave her reading in bed.

8:15 -- Download with Hubby on homefront happenings and to-dos for remainder of the week.

8:30 -- Fire up Twitter and begin composing blog post. Has it been 3 weeks since the last one?

9:30 -- Watch DVR'd Lost with Hubby.

10:30 -- Collapse and start all over again in the morning.

A Day in My Life

Angry

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that things are intense at work right now and I'm not getting much sleep. It could be the economy and the fact that I've now lost my psychological safety net. Not to mention the stress of this extended election.

But whatever it is, the dam has burst and I'm pissed. Really, really angry. I feel like I'm drowning in a never-ending sea of sadness and anger.

I'm mad that being a mom is so hard and no one bothered to tell me that before I became one. I'm livid that unless otherwise assigned, whether I have a full time job or not, everything under the category of "childrearing" falls to me. I'm seething that I was sold a bill of goods growing up in the 70s. Despite being brainwashed to the contrary, turns out I can't "do it all." I'm mad that as a working mom I'm stretched so thin I can't enjoy my job or muster up enough energy to fully engage with my kids when I'm home. Eventually something's got to give and right now that something seems to be my mental health.

Hubby is trying to be patient and supportive. He's always ready with a "How ya doin' honey?" or a sympathetic hug. I know I should be grateful. But as I'm drowning, it seems like he's sitting high and dry in a lifeboat, cheering me on and throwing me kisses, "How ya doin' honey? You're doing great!" And all the while there's a life preserver sitting right next to him that he can't seem to see no matter how many times or ways I try to point it out.

And so, yes, I'm mad at him too. I'm mad that even though he promised before we had kids that we'd split the responsibilities 50-50 (not 80-20, not even 60-40), he's not really willing or able to hold up his end of the deal. And just when I think I've finally come to accept the fact that men will be men and that women and their control tendencies share the burden of the blame, I seem to get angry all over again.

I'm pissed that there are no good solutions. No matter what, moms seem to get the short end of the stick. Whether they work or stay home, moms are never fully recognized or appreciated for all that they do to create and shape the next generation of the human race. I've yet to run across a mom who feels just wonderful, happy and secure in her life choices.

But mostly I'm mad at myself -- I'm upset that I'm seemingly not selfless enough for this mommy gig and that I can't just be grateful for the wonderful life that I have. After all, I have a loving husband, two beautiful and healthy daughters, a cat, a dog, a lovely house and a very good job. What more can anyone possibly want?

Angry

A Business (Guilt) Trip

This week I had a whirlwind business trip -- five different meetings in two cities over three days and two nights. Thankfully, I don't have to travel alot for work and when I do, it's typically a one or two day trip. So this was a particularly long one for me.

Business travel for a working mom always has its pros and cons. For a short time, I get to revert back to my single, unattached days -- no screaming kids, a big QUIET room and bed all to myself and complete freedom to do what I want, uninterrupted, for hours at a time. But it also means big stress of having to tie up loose ends at home, delegate all of my usual mommy duties for the time I'm gone and the ultimate con of not being able to see Hubby and the girls for an extended period of time.

Between Hubby and the best. nanny. in. the. world., the girls are well taken care of. And it doesn't seem like I'm missing much every time I call home:

Amy: Hi, sweetie!!! How are you?
Kid (could be either one): Good.
Amy: What's going on?
Kid: Nothing.
Amy: How was school today?
Kid: Good.
Amy: Anything new?
Kid: Um....no.

If I'm lucky I might get an anecdote about an incident on the playground or a report about a playdate. But I usually have to rely on Nanny for any pertinent information.

It was a productive trip for work, I actually got to have dinner with my parents while I was in New York, and knowing all was well at home, I was feeling ok about being gone. That is, until I arrived home.

"MOOOOOOOOMMY!!!!" the normally low-key and unaffectionate Boss comes running and plows into me with a big hug. She hands me a folded piece of yellow construction paper with her shaky kindergarten handwriting on it.

"I made you a welcome home card," she tells me excitedly. "Read it!!!"

Of course I immediately open it and read "I missed you deer mom I wish you had a good time on your business (with backward 's'es) trip Imissed you I am going to be excited to come home today!"

Hello, Guilt, my old friend.

I hope Sarah Palin is ready for this.

A Business (Guilt) Trip

I'm a Core Competency Mom

So apparently there's a label for my latest experiment in trying to seek some sanity and balance in my life. According to Huffington Post contributor Laura Vanderkam, a "Core Competency Mom" is one that seeks to outsource various household tasks to focus our limited time at home on what matters most -- spending quality time with our kids.

Clearly great minds think alike. Either that or desperate is as desperate does (ok, I made that up. Couldn't think of a good cliche about desperation. You know what I mean.) Go read this post and Laura's interesting five-part series.

I'm a Core Competency Mom

If Carol Brady Can Do It

Remember this post where my split personalities once again duel in my head over the current state of my career? Turns out, Professional Amy and Professional Amy's employer ganged up on poor Mommy Amy. Sensing imminent doom, Professional Amy's boss offered her the chance to participate in a nifty new "Leadership Program" where she would learn how to hone her "leadership skills" through personal assessments, coaching sessions and management seminars. Professional Amy thought it was a great excuse not to quit her job terrific professional development opportunity she just couldn't pass up.

As consolation, Professional Amy and Hubby came up with a brilliant scheme to get Mommy Amy some more help. While Hubby had been pitching in and would continue to, we all agreed he wasn't the full solution. We needed someone who would be more capable available and proactive. So remember this job description? We realized we already had someone working for us who fit the bill. With the wave of our magic checkbook, we turned our nanny into a "house manager."

It made sense. Both girls would be in school full time in the fall and even when they weren't, they're old enough not to require Nanny's (real name cleverly disguised) full attention the way they did when they were little. We gave Nanny responsibility for cooking dinner for the family, keeping the house stocked with groceries, washing linens and towels and doing a variety of errands (dry cleaning, buying birthday party presents, keeping pet food stocked, etc.). Nanny, being the best. nanny. in. the. world. as well as a natural organization freak, is taking her new duties to heart and creating all kinds of fun organization projects for herself like cleaning out a variety of closets around the house.

Professional Amy is feeling a lighter load but Mommy Amy isn't quite so charmed by this new arrangement. It's hard not to have full control over the house. Nanny's got everything organized to the point where we can't find anything anymore. It's weird to have someone else cook our dinner. In an effort to impress us, Nanny's been trying these strange new dishes. We've gently tried telling her that we'd be very happy to eat the spaghetti and meatballs she made for the kids but she's determined to be the very best house manager she can be.

Carol Brady may have been content to sit around and sip coffee while Alice the Housekeeper controlled the house operations, but Mommy Amy never in a million years thought she'd be the kind of mom who relied on someone else to do what she considers "her job." In the meantime, Professional Amy is making an effort to curb her hours at the office to be around more for the kids. She's still struggling with the balance, but she's learning some things from this new leadership program.

We know we're lucky we can afford the extra help. We know we shouldn't complain. The discontent probably has more to do with how both Amy's are feeling about the job we're doing. We'll see how long this arrangement lasts. But this is where we are. For now.

If Carol Brady Can Do It

From Both Sides Now

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but it's not easy having moms in the workplace.

Before you start composing the hate mail, let me just remind you a little about me. I've been a working mom for more than 8 years. Since I've had my kids, thanks to an enlightened boss, I've enjoyed a variety of flexible work arrangements over the years from part time to flex time. I am a champion for work-life balance and flexible work arrangements for moms.

But I'm also a supervisor in a department dominated by young women. Our operations director informed me today that among our staff we've had 11 pregnancies in two years. Aside from the multiple doctors appointments and inevitable absences from pregnancy-related issues, each pregnancy brings 12 weeks -- the average maternity leave -- of doing without a valuable member of our team. This means divvying up the workload among the poor souls left behind in the office. And each maternity leave brings months of anxiety -- will she come back to us after she falls in love with that precious baby? And if she doesn't, it means months more of doing without a key staff person until we hire a replacement.

Sometimes pregnancies don't even enter the picture. Last weekend, one of my directors called me saying she had a tiny emergency (it's never good news when an employee calls on a weekend). She and her husband had been given a sudden opportunity to adopt a newborn baby boy. They had to fly off to the other side of the country and would be gone for two weeks to meet their new son and finalize the paperwork. After that, she'd likely take maternity leave. Knowing that this woman had been trying for several years to start a family, I was truly elated for her. But at the same time, the supervisor in me was thinking OH, CRAP!!! How in the world would we cover for her on such short notice? As we've scrambled in the last week to close ranks and get things under control in her absence, the silent prayer began -- oh, god, PLEASE let her come back!!!!

Among the moms who do come back, many want flexible arrangements. Some want to work part time while others want to work only from home and/or with a flexible schedule. We've tried very hard to accommodate each request, sometimes by swapping out job responsibilities or pairing up two new moms in a job sharing situation. But the solution always depends on the individuals involved and the quantity and nature of the work that needs to be covered at the time. As we've tried to figure it out, it's felt a bit like putting a puzzle together. And sometimes, unfortunately, those puzzle pieces don't always fit perfectly.

I'm very aware of how my own working mom status inevitably imposes on others. Last week when DD#1 had yet another bout of lice (Yes, I did say lice. Again. Don't even go there.), I had to ask a colleague to give a presentation for me at the last minute. Thankfully he was willing, able and gracious about it. But I'm sure he wasn't thrilled to be asked. My own flexible schedule (working from home two afternoons a week) isn't ideal as it limits my ability to be there for my staff or attend certain meetings. Doing meetings by phone works in a pinch, but it's not as productive as being in a room with someone, being able to look them in the eye and connecting with them on a personal level.

There's no doubt that making these sacrifices for moms is ultimately worth it. We have retained valuable employees as a result. I myself would have quit years ago had I not been afforded the flexibility I continue to have. Our extreme situation of having working moms as the majority of our staff has worked in our favor in that it has shown the non-moms the value of retaining reliable co-workers vs. having to start over with a newbie. But as a manager, I can see how in an environment where the working mom is the exception and not the norm, putting up with the challenges motherhood brings to the workplace and the impact it has on others may seem undesirable.

I see the challenges of working motherhood from both sides now. And it's both of those sides that we will have to acknowledge and address when we advocate for work-life balance and flexible work arrangements.

From Both Sides Now

Inside My Head

We're having one of those conversations again. This time it's taking a decidedly different turn.

Mommy Amy: Ok, we tried it your way. It's not working for me.

Professional Amy: What? What do you mean? We got promoted! Twice!!!

Mommy Amy: Yeah, I admit, that last promotion was a very nice surprise...it's great to be appreciated. But we've been in this department for over a decade now. Are we learning? Are we growing? Is this worth the sacrifices we're making?

Professional Amy: But we have a "V" in our title now. And a "P"!

Mommy Amy: I get it, but I miss the kids. I feel so disconnected to what's going on with them. I'm tired of the last minute scrambles to get them to school or to get their stuff together for whatever's going on that week. I'm tired of juggling schedules to cover for sick days or for the freaking lice. I'm tired of being distracted by my Blackberry whenever I'm home. I'm tired of being an exhausted wretch trying to do it all.

Professional Amy: What about Hubby? He's supposed to be helping you...

Mommy Amy: Well, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I had to let him go. He just wasn't working out. Nice guy and everything...cute too...he's just not qualified for the job.

Professional Amy: What about Nanny?

Mommy Amy: Yes, she's amazing. We all love her and I would be very sorry to see her go. But we only have her a handful of hours a week and that's just not enough to cover everything. And NO, I don't want to up her hours -- I'm not going to farm out my mommy duties. If one more child calls me "Nanny," I'm going to cry.

Professional Amy: But this is a great job. We fight cancer. We get paid. We work with great people. We get benefits -- good ones!

Mommy Amy: I know. But I'm sure we can still stay involved with the organization -- maybe they'll give us some freelance work or we can be a volunteer.

Professional Amy: It makes no sense to quit now. The little one is almost in school full-time. That's normally when moms go BACK to work -- not quit.

Mommy Amy: That's ridiculous. Both kids are still young. They still need us. You're young! You'll have plenty of time to accomplish your goals when they're older. Look, I'm tired of being tired. All. the. time. Is that the kind of life you want? Is that what makes you happy?

Professional Amy: I don't know...

Mommy Amy: Why can't we try my way for a while? Maybe we could go back to school...advance the career and keep our mind sharp while we stay home with the kids for a while?

Professional Amy: I need to think about it.

Mommy Amy: I'll give you a few months, but at the end of this school year, I need a decision.

Not sure how this one is going to go down, but it's not looking good for the professional me.

Inside My Head

Honey, You're Fired

WANTED: Supportive partner to help raise children and manage household. Must be proactive self-starter with ability to juggle multiple tasks with little to no supervision. Must be intuitive, nurturing, flexible and willing and able to shift plans on a moments notice. Positive, can-do attitude a plus.

About a year ago, I went back to work full-time. The timing wasn't ideal, but the opportunity presented itself and hubby was thrilled. Convinced I'm not happy unless I'm "in charge of alot of people, telling them what to do," hubby encouraged me to take the job (and the huge salary increase). To sweeten the deal, he promised to "step up" and "do whatever it takes" to "do his part" to help with my other full-time gig as a mom.

Despite his very good intentions and best efforts, I finally realized that he's just not the right guy for the mommy job. The evidence has been mounting:

Inability to follow instructions (or poor listening skills). Example: Last week, it was hubby's turn to stay home with a sick DD#1. Before I left for work, I gave explicit instructions: give her two more Tylenol tablets anytime after 11 am. Still, when I returned home at 2 pm, I found a feverish daughter laid out on the couch. When asked "Why didn't you give her the Tylenol?" hubby replied "I wasn't sure if or when I could give her anything." Hello? Two tablets? 11 am? Ring a bell?

Example #2: the very sad towel incident with DD#2 last month.

Total lack of intuition and initiative. Example: Also last week, it was hubby's turn to take DD#2, who we thought was fully recovered from the same flu bug, to preschool in the morning. DD#2 was still sleeping when I left the house for work, which immediately set off my mommy radar that something was wrong, but I opted not to wake her. A mid-day call from the preschool teacher confirmed my suspicions. DD#2 wasn't acting herself and felt warm to the touch. When asked whether DD#2 mentioned anything about feeling sick when she woke up, hubby said, "Yeah, she said something about being sick last night, but I didn't think anything of it."

Inability to perform duties without constant supervision. Example: After convincing hubby he needed to take DD#1 back to the doctor (which required a federal case and much yelling), I had to make the appointment and, despite him having been to the pediatrician's office several times, I had to give him detailed instructions on how to get there, what to do when he arrived, who to ask for and what to tell the doctor/nurse. I then called him 30 minutes before the appointment to make sure he had all the instructions straight. Good thing I did. ("What's the name of this place called again? Who do I ask for? What do I tell them?")

I could go on. One thing is for sure...I most definitely do not enjoy being in charge of anyone who cannot carry out their duties as assigned. I have serious doubts about whether I can manage the paying job and the mommy job all on my own, but that's another post for another day.

Right now my task seems very clear -- honey, I love you. You're fired.

Honey, You're Fired

(No) Time to Activate

Turns out that its alot harder to rid the world of cancer (my day job) AND right the wrongs of corporate America for us moms (oh yeah, AND do that mommy job) than I thought.

Yesterday I got an email from Momsrising.org asking for volunteers to coordinate a meeting with one of our GA Senators to encourage them to pass the Fair Pay Restoration Act. This Act reverses a recent Supreme Court ruling in Ledbetter vs. Goodyear that now gives employees a mere 180 days from the time a pay rate is set to discover heinous and unfair pay discrepancies based on gender, race or other discriminatory factors and to file a claim to right the wrong.

Man, I would have LOVED to have coordinated that meeting. I can just imagine strolling into that Senator's office all fired up, channeling my best Julia Sugarbaker (remember "Designing Women"? Love that show!!!):

"Senator So and So, we're here representing Momsrising.org, Mothers and More and the thousands of hard-working employees here in the state of Georgia who have a high likelihood of experiencing pay discrimination. We are asking that you vote to pass the Fair Pay Restoration Act when it comes up in the Senate. Now we don't know what our distinguished Supreme Court justices were smoking when they ruled on Ledbetter vs. Goodyear, but surely you can see the folly in allowing only 180 days from the time pay is set to file any kind of pay discrimination claim. Because unless you happen to be psychic or lucky enough to stumble upon a pile of your co-workers' pay stubs, there is no way in hell you could discover and prove potentially discriminatory pay practices in that short of a time period!"

Ok, I probably wouldn't say that. But Julia would. Unfortunately, when I looked at my calendar to see when I could hold such a meeting, it was already jam-packed with cancer-fighting meetings. And since I'm actually being paid with money that people have donated from their hard-earned paychecks to fight cancer and not the working mommy issues, I decided I'd better stick to my original schedule.

So, my working mommy issue fighting will have to be limited to signing this Momsrising.org online petition and writing a letter to my Senators ("Dear Backwoods Senator..." Just kidding. I wouldn't write that either) in my off hours for now. I encourage everyone reading this (all 11 of you) to visit Momsrising.org (haven't joined yet...what are you waiting for?) and get involved. They are looking for people in all 50 states to coordinate meetings with their Senators, sign their petition and to express their support of the issue.

Time to activate!

(No) Time to Activate

Something's Gotta Give

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything. I know. It's been a deliberate, but temporary break. Pressures from work mounted. The kids activities loomed. And we had yet another bout of lice. My mental and physical health actually declined. I needed a break. To spend time in the real world vs. the virtual world. To take care of myself. I worked out a little, vegged out in front of the TV and even reconnected with my kids. It's been nice.

I knew my readers (all eight of them) would understand. That's what this blog is about. Knowing when enough is enough. Caring about yourself enough to actually care for yourself.

But I still have some things to say. I'll post a real post. Soon.

Something's Gotta Give

Are We Too Busy?

Yesterday, I left my straightening iron on. All day. I didn't realize it was still plugged in until I mindlessly threw a washcloth on top of it and eventually smelled something burning. It was one of those busy, overbooked days where we had one activity planned after another. I was rushing to get us all out the door, my mind focused on the long list of stuff we had to do. And in the process, I could have burned our house down. Or maybe something worse.

Of course I thanked my lucky stars that I escaped a potentially horrendous situation and vowed to be more mindful and careful in the future. But if I'm truly honest with myself, odds are something like that is bound to happen again. And I couldn't help but think of Brenda Slaby, the mother that killed her two year old daughter earlier this month by forgetting to drop her off at the babysitter and accidentally leaving her in the back of her sweltering car.

Brenda's story struck such a cord with me. I'd like to think that I would never, ever make such a careless, tragic mistake as to forget about my sleeping child in the back seat of my car. But my straightening iron incident was a sobering reminder that there are plenty of other ways that I could inadvertently harm my family by simply being scatterbrained. I've been struck by the lack of commentary on the Slaby story among the mommy blogs that I generally read. Maybe it's because we all have our straightening iron incidents and so the story hits a bit too close to home.

And so I can't help but ask, are we too busy?

Yes, most of us would admit that we're over scheduled (note to self: daughter #1 has Brownies tomorrow; daughter #2 has swimming). When my first child was a baby, I vowed that we wouldn't get sucked into that overachiever mindset where my children had to do absolutely everything. But somehow the activities just creeped up on us and the logistics and accouterments for the activities (who goes where when and what equipment do they need?) coupled with the accouterments and logistics for school (who goes where when, who needs what signed and who's doing what for lunch?), is alot to keep up with.

The activities are within our control and something to seriously consider paring back (I am). But it's not the whole story. Those of us who work know that it's also a big distraction. Joan Blades, co-founder of Momsrising.org writes about the extreme work phenomenon, where people work 24/7 leaving little time for family or anything else, in "A Peaceful Revolution" on The Huffington Post. "Might we be working stupid because we are so tired?" Blades writes. "It is time for us to consider our values." My boss and I debated this extreme work environment when I confronted him on my lack of career progression due to my mommy status. "I have all of this work that needs to get done. I need someone who can be available all the time," he lamented. While as a manager I understood his argument, I rhetorically asked why working around the clock had to be the norm and commented that it couldn't be healthy for anyone -- working moms or not.

I found this great NY Times article, "Too Busy to Notice You're Too Busy," when doing my limited research for this post. It's written by a woman who seems to have figured it out. I couldn't agree with her more that we all need to consciously find ways to make ourselves less busy. But we also need to find ways to change the extreme work environment. I'm counting on Momsrising.org and other organizations to lead the way on that front. In the meantime, I've put my Blackberry aside for the night and refuse to check my work email so that I can do what I enjoy most -- writing for this blog.

Are We Too Busy?

I'm on the New Mommy Track!!

US News and World Report did a cover story on me!!! Ok, well not me specifically, but on moms like me.

This week's US News and World Report cover story "The New Mommy Track" is about how some women are avoiding the "opt out" phenomenon by negotiating flexible work schedules and non-traditional career tracks. I'm so thrilled to see other women finding ways to blend work and family in ways that work for them.

I've been blazing this trail in my own organization, negotiating a variety of unique work arrangements over the last five years. Following my very first maternity leave, I asked my (relatively) new boss if I could work from home a couple of days a week to be close to my baby and keep an eye on our new nanny. He reluctantly agreed to a temporary trial and it ended up working out for both of us. I remained as flexible as I could to accommodate work needs and as soon as I was comfortable leaving my daughter, I was back at the office full time. When my second daughter came along three years later, I was tired of the full time working mommy thing and wanted out. I tried to resign, but my boss, now having built a level of confidence and trust in me, made me an offer I couldn't refuse -- a part time position. We negotiated hours, carefully devised a role that fit my experience and kept the workload to a manageable level. Each year, I arranged my work schedule around my children, working mostly on the days that they were in preschool.

Now I'm back at work full time (see this post on the impetus behind that decision), yet I still have a flexible schedule. Our wonderful nanny, who has been with us since my part time days, is only available to us a few days a week. That means two days a week, I leave the office mid-day to pick up my preschooler and work from home the rest of the day. It's not easy to tear myself from the office in the middle of a workday or to conduct business from home. I could make things alot easier on myself by finding alternate childcare arrangements. But the reward is seeing my little one light up when I show up at her school and watching my older daughter jump off the school bus and run around with the neighborhood kids.

Having been the first in my department and among the first in my office to have struck a unique work arrangement, I have felt like a pioneer these last five years. It has not always been easy and it has not been ideal. I often felt guilty for having "special" arrangements (and still do), I sometimes missed out on things (both at work and at home) and the juggling thing can be pretty exhausting. But it has been do-able and it's been the best solution for me. I agree with the US News article that these arrangements are not yet the norm, and I have to give props to my boss who recognizes that he works in a female dominated industry and that he's better off being flexible than hiring new employees all the time. He also has a wife that has struggled with the work/mom quandry. We now have several women in our department with flexible working arrangements (one part-timer and two that job-share) and several former new mommy employees do freelance work for us.

I truly hope this US News article inspires other moms to think outside the box and come up with solutions that work for them. If you've worked for a company for a number of years, you've proven yourself, have a good relationship with your supervisor and he/she is a reasonable person, flexible work arrangements are possible. The trick is to believe in your value and understand that your employer has more to lose than you do if you leave. We do have quite a way to go before these opportunities are available to everyone. But that's something we can work on together.

I'm on the New Mommy Track!!

Divide and Conquer

Tonight my husband and I will do something very few couples ever do. (No, I am not talking about sex). Tonight, we're going to divide The List.

You know The List -- the one that's committed to memory and constantly running through your head like the CNN ticker. The one that rules our lives made famous in the book, "I Don't Know How She Does It." It's the endless list of things that HAS to be done to keep your life and the lives of your family members on track. The one that as soon as one thing is checked off, three more pop on and therefore will never, ever, EVER be successfully and completely completed. That one.

Before you hail my husband a hero for offering, no INSISTING, that we split The List, I submit to you that this was an act of pure self preservation. He was the one that encouraged me to go back to work full time (which means less financial pressure for him). And after experiencing my umpteenth nervous breakdown and constant misery over not being able to keep up with The List anymore, there was simply only one solution. If we were going to share the earning power, we were going to have to share responsibility for The List.

Each Sunday night, we go over The List for the week. We determine who is going to do what and then my husband actually types up a separate list for each of us (ever see your list on paper? It's even more scary in print). At first, I kept forgetting to mention things that should be on The List. Not because I actually forgot them, but because I considered them things "the mom" should do. Eventually I learned to give it all up and I've been amazed at what my husband has taken on. He scheduled and accompanied the kids to their last dental appointment. He researched and organized swim lessons. He got our piano fixed and tuned (that's been on The List for years!). He's even made lunches and packed backpacks.

Now that The List has been reduced to something a bit more manageable, an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. But it also has illuminated one simple truth. While our husbands are more than capable of stepping up and taking on more than they traditionally do, the ultimate responsibility will always lie with the mom. As wonderful as he is, my husband will never remember that we have to call the pediatrician three months in advance to schedule a check up or that every January we have to start registering the kids for camp. Those finer details are in my head and squarely and firmly in my court. But at least being able to delegate these tasks once they arrive is a step in the right direction. For now.

Divide and Conquer

I'm Going Back IN!!!

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything. Since no one reads my blog, I figured no one would notice or care. No one did, but I decided to rejoin the universe of mommy bloggers anyway.

So here's what happened. A few months ago, I voluntarily gave up a part-time gig to return to work full time. Not exactly the best way to achieve life balance, I realize, and according to my grand plan, I had another year until my youngest was in kindergarten before I attempted re-entry into full time professional life. But, I hit a wall and had to do something.

Those of you (you being the legions of loyal followers of Up With Moms) who covet a part time job and think that it's the answer to all of your mommy woes probably think I'm insane. I fully admit, it was a very good job with a great organization I've been with forever. It even came with a decent salary and benefits. But even part time gigs have their limitations for us moms. After doing the job happily for several years, I started noticing that I wasn't getting very challenging assignments. And my non-mommy colleagues were getting promoted beyond me. One even got promoted OVER me. I finally realized that my part time job had landed me squarely on the dreaded mommy track and eventually the professional in me started rebelling.

Professional Amy: I'm bored. This is bull#@!

Mommy Amy: What do you mean? I'm very happy.

Professional Amy: Happy? How can you be happy? Your career is going NOWHERE!

Mommy Amy: I don't know what you're talking about. I have a great job.

Professional Amy: Yes, that's right. You have a job but not a career.

Mommy Amy: Well, so what? I have the best of both worlds. I get to work and be with the kids. Most women would kill for this.

Professional Amy: But are you learning anything? Are you being mentally challenged? C'MON you could do this job in your sleep! What's the point?

Mommy Amy: I get benefits...that's important...

Professional Amy: Oh good. Benefits will get you far in life. How do you plan to parlay benefits into a career goal? The kids won't need you forever, you know. You need to get a life.

Mommy Amy: I don't know what you're talking about...

Professional Amy: Look, I've sacrificed brain cells for the past four years so you can be the perfect mom. It's my turn now. It's time to get serious about work.

Mommy Amy: But...but...what about the kids?

Professional Amy: The kids will be just fine. You'll do quality time with them after work and on the weekends. Anyway, its time they had some more quality time with their dad. You know he'll help fill the gap if you're bringing in more money.

Mommy Amy: I don't know...

Professional Amy: The kids are starting to have their own lives. Time to jump start yours again. We're going back to work!

I'm sure many of you have the same kind of schizophrenic inner dialogue. So Professional Amy won out this time. Do you ever think there will be a day when both Amy's can be satisfied? I'm still holding out hope.

I'm Going Back IN!!!

The Secret to "The Secret"

Everyone's all a buzz about Oprah's latest find, "The Secret." According to its official Web site, "The Secret" is the gateway to all you've ever wanted -- unlimited joy, health, love, money, and so on.

"The Secret" is based on the law of attraction -- we attract things into our lives by what we think and believe. So if you focus on negative things, you'll attract bad things to you. If you focus on positive things, you'll attract wonderful things to you. Simple, right? So now that we all know "The Secret," we can all be ecstatically happy, skinny billionaires with fulfilling careers and perfect families (like Oprah, but thinner)! All you have to do is "Ask. Believe. Receive."

It sounds too good to be true, but I have to admit, I have seen "The Secret" work in my life. Right after college, I was diagnosed with cancer. I had been going through a rough time, all of my friends had moved away after graduation and I could not find a job. I was depressed. But after my diagnosis, my attitude changed. I knew I would live through the ordeal and adopted a positive outlook to convince my friends and family of the same. Suddenly, I was offered a contract job that allowed me to work full time but take time off for my treatment. Despite having chemo, I kept most of my hair. But about halfway through my treatment, the darker side of my reality started to cloud my positive attitude. My contract position was eliminated and my hair began to fall out in clumps. At the urging of my then boyfriend (now husband), I went into therapy, rid myself of my negative emotions and refocused on where I wanted to go. I finished treatment, found an amazing job that not only jump started my career, but introduced me to a incredible group of young dynamic people, many of whom are still my friends today.

About four years ago, just before the birth of my second daughter, I decided I'd had enough of the working mommy whirlwind. It was hard enough juggling one child and a demanding full-time job, I just knew I didn't want to do it with two children. But of course the professional in me didn't want to give up a job I loved and a career I had worked so hard to build. As I despaired, my husband asked, "What would be the ideal situation for you?" I told him I'd love to do my current job part-time so I could be with my children, yet satisfy my professional drive. Three days later, my boss asked me to consider part-time work instead of leaving all together. I've had the best of both worlds ever since.

But "Ask. Believe. Receive," is much easier said than done. Not only do you have to look past all the crappy things that may be happening to you, you have to believe that you deserve the good things in life. That's a particular stretch for us moms. We're programmed to never ask for anything. And because we're too busy beating ourselves up about all of the things we didn't do right as a mother, a wife, a friend, we certainly don't believe we deserve it.

This is core reason I wanted to write this blog. To make our lives better, we have to begin to believe that we deserve better than what we have now. We have to believe we deserve the respect of our families and our society. We have to believe that we can combine fulfilling careers with a flourishing family. We have to believe that our voices can make a difference and that we can, eventually, "Have it all." The secret to "The Secret" is believing that we deserve to live the life we want to lead as mothers and as dynamic women. All we have to do is believe.

The Secret to "The Secret"

(I'm) Down With Gloria Steinem

Ever since I joined the working mom ranks, I've been pissed at Gloria Steinem. I don't know the woman. I don't even know much about her. But for a long time in my mind she represented a failed experiment that has been the bane of my existence for the past seven years.

Wasn't it she and her feminist pals that espoused women having successful and dynamic careers like our male counterparts? Wasn't it their movement that inspired that #%@! "I Can Bring Home the Bacon" commercial that indoctrinated us as little girls and misled us all to believe we could, "Have it all?" What were they thinking? Did they not think through the ramifications of adding children to the mix? Did they not realize that women would continue to carry the burden of childrearing and that it would be simply impossible to compete with our male colleagues in the workplace and still give our children the full attention they deserved, leaving an entire generation of women to feel like complete failures?

Realizing that my anger was somewhat irrational and likely misplaced, I decided to educate myself about my nemesis and the feminist movement she ignited. As I searched the Internet, I came across a fascinating history of the women's rights movement. I was surprised to learn that the women's movement began way back in 1848 when a woman named Elizabeth Cady Stanton wondered why women did not enjoy the same freedoms as their husbands in the New World despite suffering the same risks and sacrifices to earn those freedoms. Since then, the movement has progressed slowly but surely -- from earning the right to vote, to drafting the ERA, to winning Roe vs. Wade -- incrementally improving the lives of women. It is clear from this history that each time we make gains in the women's movement, it is thanks to "a small group of people questioning why human lives were being resticted."

Gloria's contribution came when, in 1963, Betty Friedan published, "The Feminine Mystique," a survey that documented the oppression of average American women due to limited life options. This led the way for Gloria and her co-horts to champion equal rights, reproductive rights and sexual liberation. Thanks to their efforts, we now enjoy things like birth control and free choice to pursue a career. But these gains are only another incremental step toward fully realizing Elizabeth Cady Stanton's dream of women enjoying the same rights and freedoms as men.

Fortunately for those of us who feel the restrictions of working motherhood in the 21st century, the next wave of the women's movement is upon us. Today's New York Times article rightly points out that the proliferation of mommy blogs has sparked the modern mommy movement. Groups like Mothers & More and MomsRising are gaining traction and the Internet is making it easier than ever for us to jump on the bandwagon. Rather than blaming Gloria and the activists that came before her, we should borrow a page from their handbook. The only way to advance the female cause is to let our voices be heard and ask the tough questions. To quote my new friend Gloria, "Power can be taken, but not given. The process of the taking is empowerment in itself."

(I'm) Down With Gloria Steinem