Stop the Madness

I haven't been blogging much lately, mostly because once again I lost my mind and thought it would be ok to take on a little too much, just for a couple of months. Lesson learned: stupid, stupid, stupid. And, in what I'm sure was a physical manifestation of my mental state, I ruptured a disc in my back and have been spending way too much time with doctors and physical therapists. It's been fun.

So for the holidays, I'm striving for balance by pulling out not one, but two time honored traditions here at Up With Moms -- relying on other people's content and running a re-run.

So here's a great holiday post, making the same point that I often do on this blog -- we are our own worst enemies. Go read this.

But before you do, read this holiday post that I wrote a couple of years ago which makes that same point. AND REMEMBER THIS FOR NEXT YEAR (which is more a reminder for me than it is for you.)

I'm Too Busy to Blog (originally posted December 3, 2008)

Well, it's the holidays and you know what that means. Time to pile a thousand more to-dos on top of the already unrealistic and overflowing list of to-dos.

I'm sure, like me, you're scouring the Internet for inexpensive holiday gifts for everyone you know and probably some people you hardly know but feel compelled to buy gifts for. And while you're trying oh-so hard to find gifts that are not too expensive because the economy has sucked the life out of your bank account, you're putting additional pressure on yourself to find gifts with meaning because that's what the holidays are truly about -- meaning. And you're scouring the Internet for holiday card deals, but not just any deals -- deals for recycled cards because it's all about being green. And you're trying to figure out how to upload your goddamn holiday picture with your lovely family and your fake smile into the photo card template which you now have spent WAY too much time on because you couldn't find just the right photo and then the photo you tried to use was too low-res so you had to redo it. AND because you don't have enough to do, you're about to bake four dozen homemade cookies for the neighborhood holiday cookie exchange because you're the freaking President of the freaking neighborhood Women's Club that you totally didn't have time to take on, but you did anyway for some ungodly reason. AND OF COURSE they can't be any old cookies, they have to be the ULTIMATE peanut butter cookies with the Reese's peanut butter cups in the middle that you bake in a mini-muffin pan because regular cookies just aren't freaking special enough, LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE A FULL TIME JOB ALREADY????!!!!!

Oh, wait. That could be just me.

Except I don't think it is just me. It's a sickness, I admit it. And you need to admit it too. When did we decide we had to be Martha Stewart with the perfect holiday card, giving out the perfect holiday gifts and serving up the perfect holiday fare? It's all a sham. Our lives are so not perfect yet every year we try to fool ourselves and each other into thinking that they are.

I loved this post on MommyTrak'd about living in a post-balance world and declaring 2009 the year of the un-balance. I'm all for that -- it's time we came out of the closet about our failures and frailties. I'll start. Hi, I'm Amy. And I'm completely unbalanced. See, it's easy. First step is admitting the problem. Second step is giving up the behavior. I know -- I could send my Christmas cards with a picture of the pee and poop piles that my dog and cat have been consistently leaving us around the house which would be a much more realistic depiction of our lives lately. And maybe I could show up to the cookie exchange with a bag of Oreos.

Maybe next year. Being a control freak with perfectionistic tendencies, it's that second step that'll trip me up.

Well at least I now have one thing off of my to-do list -- another blog post.

Stop the Madness

What I Didn't Learn At BlogHer

So of course the very year I decide to take an "off" BlogHer year, they go and create a panel about the very subject that I blog about. Figures.

I am so very bummed to have missed the "Screw Work/Life Balance -- We Need Work/Life Policy" panel. It was spearheaded by the lovely and talented Morra Aarons Mele who I happen to know and work with IRL and Stephanie Wilchfort, aka The Mama Bee. But fortunately, as it generally goes at blogging conferences, there are no shortage of pre-event posts, live-blog replays, post-event perspectives and even session Twitter streams to catch you up. After I finished all my reading, I felt like I had been there!

I was so excited about some of the things that were discussed in this session --a few things particularly resonated with me. 1) We need to focus not so much on work flexibility as we do on work-life balance. Flexible working arrangements may be part of the solution, but that often addresses where and when you work, but not necessarily how much you work. Extreme work environments are killing our families and our sense of equilibrium and we need to set better boundaries. 2) Work-life balance isn't just a mom or women's issue. It's a human issue. Men need balance as much as women do, particularly if they are going to be better partners in helping balance the load at home. But work-life balance is an issue for everyone -- even those that don't have kids. Everyone has a life. We need to reframe this debate 3) Policy change alone can't be the solution. It's a "holy trinity of corporate, legislative and individual action."

And while there was alot of talk about how we need to use our voices -- our blogs and tweets -- as channels of change, one thing has been on my mind lately. Women and moms are such coveted markets for politicians and corporations alike. Politicians create entire initiatives to court the women's vote. Corporations spend millions of dollars to compete for women's buying power and also for quality workforces. How can we use that political and consumer capital to help advance this issue? Maybe someone needs to create an Angie's list for work-life balance -- a review site for politicians and companies where people can give the real scoop on corporate work-life policies and politician track records on these issues. We moms can then use that intel to decide what to buy, where to work and who to vote for. That might get some change real quick. Anyone got some spare time on their hands?

In any case, I am very much looking forward to seeing where this conversation (movement? evolution? revolution?) leads and to being a part of it.

What I Didn't Learn At BlogHer

I Could Write a Book, But It's Already Been Written

It's hard to believe it's been a more than decade since I began this journey called motherhood. Ten full years of not only trying to figure out how to raise and mold bright, thoughtful and productive human beings, but trying to figure out how not to lose myself and my career in the process. It's been mostly a journey of trial and error -- but looking back, I realized I've learned SO much. I could fill volumes with the lessons learned, but as I gaze at the extensive library I've amassed and relied on along the way, I realize that most of it's already been written.

If I wrote a book, I'd inevitably start with a chapter on what I wish I knew before I became a mother. Except Maria Shriver already wrote it and it's called, Ten Things I Wish I'd Known -- Before I Went into the Real World. This quick read started as a fabulous graduation speech that was ultimately published. In it, there are a couple of great chapters, including "Superwoman is Dead...and Superman May Be Taking Viagra" and "Children Do Change Your Career." Both offer great perspective on motherhood and attempt to manage expectations of what you can realistically accomplish as a mom.

The next part of my book would detail the reality of motherhood -- how the joy of meeting and raising the greatest loves of our lives is tempered by the pain and confusion of trying to decide who we are now that everything but our name and phone number has changed and what kind of mother we want to be (working or not) and how that decision is sometimes made for us when we realize that the modern workforce, society at large and even sometimes our own biology doesn't quite accommodate a mother's choice to work. There are so many books on this topic from Expectations, a collection of essays by and about mothers, to the stark, The Mask of Motherhood by Susan Maushart that debunks society's myths about the glorification of motherhood, to the more tempered and practical, Opting Out by Pamela Stone or It's Not the Glass Ceiling, It's the Sticky Floor by Dr. Karen Enberg that chronicle why women have such a hard time managing both work and motherhood.

Of course any book would have to offer practical advice on how to make it work if you do choose to "hang on to your career with your fingernails." But books like This is How We Do It by Carol Evans, How to Avoid the Mommy Trap by Julie Shields, The NeXt Revolution by Charlotte and Laura Shelton and the very funny The White Trash Mom Handbook, among many others all thoroughly cover this topic.

The most difficult section to write would be the end -- what's the resolution? There is still so much work to do to make things better for us moms. The Motherood Manifesto, the rallying cry for Momsrising.org by Joan Blades and Kristen Rowe-Finkbeiner, thoroughly details the issues and lays out great arguments for better public policy on everything from affordable childcare to equal wages for equal work. Why Work Sucks and How to Fix it by former Best Buy employees Cali Ressler and Jody Thomspon and inventors of a fabulous alternative work idea called ROWE (results-only work environment) offers a unique approach to help balance work and family not just for women but for everyone.

But I believe the first step is helping women find their voice. We have to first recognize that as women and mothers, we have tremendous value collectively and individually. We have to believe that there are ways we can make things better for ourselves -- first at home, then at work and in society. We have to understand that just like the suffragists or the feminists before us, we are the only ones that can change things. We have to speak up and speak out.

Maybe I don't have to write a book. Maybe through this blog, in some small way, I can help inspire and effect incremental change. We all have to start somewhere.

I Could Write a Book, But It's Already Been Written

When Not Being There for Your Kid is a Good Thing

Yesterday morning I found myself in one of those typical working mom dilemmas. The Boss woke up with a sore throat.

In my decade of being a working mom, I've been in this situation dozens, maybe hundreds of times. Normally it's not a big deal -- I can easily work from home. But yesterday happened to be one of those rare times I really needed to be in the office.

Thanks to my decade-honed mommy super powers, I knew this sore throat was likely just a viral thing. There was no fever and although her tonsils looked swollen, I'd definitely seen worse. But I felt it best to at least get it checked out.

"Boss, we'll go to the doctor this morning, but if you don't have strep, we'll get you some Tylenol and drop you off at school."

Her little face fell. She had counted on staying home for the day. My inner mommy voice and the working mom guilt immediately kicked in: Look at her. She doesn't feel well. Her throat hurts. Maybe I should let her stay home. My poor baby!

But then something else kicked in. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the frustration of being caught in that situation for the gazillionth time. Maybe it was my inner professional voice screaming "But I really need to be at that meeting! You know she's perfectly fine...it's just a little cold!" Before I could stop myself, I turned around and these words flew out of my mouth,

"Listen, Boss. You're not the only person in the universe. Other people have needs too. I have to work!'

Oh, boy. Of course I instantly regretted it. I watched with trepidation as a wide-eyed Boss looked up at me. I waited for the eyes to well up. I waited for her to crumble.

Instead, she said, "OK."

"OK, what?" I asked, surprised at that response.

"I understand," she said.

"You understand what?"

"I understand you have things to do at work. You can work," she said quietly.

My heart broke into a million pieces. I was all at once proud and sad that my baby, now 7, wasn't so much a baby anymore. She understood. She was growing up and had just learned a valuable lesson about being sensitive to others needs. And about the fact that sometimes you just have to push through even if you don't feel quite 100%.

Of course she didn't have strep. We stopped at the drug store on our way to school and got her some Tylenol and a great big chocolate bar. Even though professional Amy won out this time, mommy Amy just couldn't resist somehow indulging and rewarding her baby for being such a big girl.

When Not Being There for Your Kid is a Good Thing

Sexist or Outdated?

Several months ago, Hubby and I were enjoying a grown ups-only dinner at a wonderful Italian restaurant. It was a weeknight -- a night where we were able to extend our nanny's hours to cover this extravagance which was made possible by a gift card Hubby got from a work vendor -- so this normally-popular restaurant wasn't very crowded and was blessedly serene. As I savored my Chardonnay, I got philosophical, recalling a news story I had seen about a woman who was protesting sexist road signs.

"We live in a man's world," I mused. "Road signs are just one example. School schedules are geared toward assuming that there's a parent at home in the middle of the afternoon. At work, men and women are rewarded based on how much time they put in but who's supposed to take care of the kids? EVERYTHING is geared toward assuming that men are still the workers. Meanwhile, 70% of moms are in the workforce. It's sexist!"

"Is it sexist or outdated?" Hubby thoughtfully asked. Hmm. Great question. I admitted that it could very well be the latter.

Now a new report by Maria Shriver and the Center for American Progress, The Shriver Report: A Woman's Nation Changes Everything, takes a "deep dive" into this very issue. While women's roles have changed dramatically in the last few decades, society-at-large has barely changed to accommodate how dual-income families, or even families with stay-at-home dads, live today. Now that women are quickly encompassing half of our country's workforce, the great unknown is if our nation will finally pay attention to and address the needs of the modern American family like comprehensive childcare, flexible work, health care reform and paid time off.

I applaud Maria Shriver and NBC for bringing all of the issues I've been struggling with ever since I became a working mom to light. These are the issues that have been a drain on my marriage as Hubby and I have tried to negotiate and renegotiate parental and household roles and responsibilities over the years. And these are the very issues that spurred this blog. Society at large does NOT accommodate women's move to the workforce, the "seismic shift in gender roles" (as NBC's Brian Williams puts it) that has resulted and the reality of the modern American family. I just hope it becomes more than just some good television for a week. I pray that this report and the fact that women now make up 50% of the American workforce have an effect on our country's psyche and that it sparks some real change in support of our families.

Unfortunately, it's going to be up to women themselves, arguably the busiest people on earth, to step up and speak up and keep these issues at the forefront, as Maria Shriver suggests in her recent Time magazine editorial aptly titled, The Unfinished Revolution. An unfinished revolution indeed. Organizations like Momsrising.org have been at the forefront of continuing the revolution, building grassroots support and movement on these issues. And while I'm glad that Maria Shriver is using her public platform to shine a light on the issues at hand, I couldn't help but wonder where Momsrising was in this conversation and why they have not even commented on this series.

I started this blog pissed at Gloria Steinem because it was she and her cohorts that created more choices for women. To me, it seemed like an ill-conceived plan given that they didn't address how women's entrance into the workplace might affect the family dynamics. But as Ms. Steinem has said herself, women will never be equal until men share equally in the family responsibilities. And, I'd add, until government and business make some serious adjustments. It's clear that even after all of the progress we've made as women, there's still alot of work yet to be done.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Sexist or Outdated?

How I'd Change the World if I Wasn't Too Busy Changing the World

When I first started this blog, I envisioned writing insightful, thought-provoking posts that would change the way moms thought of themselves, inspire them to action which would eventually lead to new and improved public policies that made life practically perfect for moms, ultimately achieving total world domination.

I've always been slightly overambitious.

Turns out that when you spend 50+ hours a week working toward curing cancer not to mention shaping two growing girls into healthy, loving, intelligent and productive human beings, there's not a whole lot of time for much else. Thus, my most recent provocative posts on Slacker Vacation Moms and spending Father's Day rollerskating (which was very fun, by the way).

Lately I've felt like a star batter up at the plate just standing at home plate letting every perfect pitch just fly by. So many wonderful stories to ponder. So little time.

If I did have time, I would have written about Time magazine's fascinating look at "The Future of Work" which hypothesizes that in the future, jobs will be more flexible, the corporate ladder will become a corporate lattice to accommodate the growing demand for greater work-life balance and that women will continue to rise to the top. If I wasn't running around with end-of-school activities, I would have commented on this interesting NYT column "Liberated and Unhappy," a commentary on a study that revealed that while women have more choices than ever before, it may have inadvertently led to decreasing satisfaction with their lives. And if I didn't have the summer lazies, I would have incited everyone to action around each of the 10 Momsrising alerts that I've received about everything from health care reform to nutrition standards in schools. I did think about writing about the free bumper sticker they were offering because I loved the slogan, "Changing More than Diapers." But, ya know, a girl's gotta sleep.

In my never-ending quest to find peace and sanity in my life, I've had to come to grips lately with what this blog really is about for me -- something just short of world domination -- a simple source of enjoyment. I still plan to write provocative posts from time to time. But in my spare time. For now.

How I'd Change the World if I Wasn't Too Busy Changing the World

Go Read This

Whew! What a party we had over here at Up With Moms with the Ultimate Blog Party with 5 Minutes for Mom!!! So many satisfied moms. So happy to have all kinds of new visitors here. I promise I WILL visit everyone who visited me. Eventually.

For all of my new visitors/subscribers, one thing we strive for here at Up With Moms is balance. And in the spirit of balance, our philosophy is, why expend precious brain cells writing original content when there's so many awesome things to pilfer point to on the 'Net?

So here are a few posts that sum up the current state of work/life balance. First read this Washington Post article about how work/life programs are among the first to fly out the window during a down economy. Then read this post on Momsrising.org on why businesses that take that approach are stupid cutting off its proverbial nose to spite its face. Then read this beautifully moving post from Queen of Spain that typifies the ongoing war between our hearts and our souls -- a working mom's impossible pull between her kids and a fulfilling job (just hate people who can work all those hours, be a mom and STILL write like this). Enjoy!

Go Read This

A Day in My Life

6 am -- Wake up to blaring alarm, change into workout clothes

6:15 -- Wake the Boss, help her get dressed (long for spring when tights will no longer be de rigueur and 6 yo can dress herself.)

6:30 -- Sign Angel's homework planner, referee sisterly fights, negotiate and create two hairdos, hunt down missing jacket, plead with children to finish breakfast

7:00 -- Kiss girls goodbye, mindlessly pick up Blackberry

7:15 -- Realize I've wasted half my workout time getting sucked into work email and ditch plan to workout in favor of tidying up house in preparation for cleaning crew (crew will only clean surfaces they can find) and for getting dressed to get to work earlier. Discover and clean up lovely package left by either dog or cat in home office.

8:00 -- Get dressed. Choose something equally work- and Brownie-appropriate (with quick change of shoes).

8:45 -- Pack up car with supplies for afternoon Brownie meeting -- snacks, drinks, balloons, bean bag toss, hula hoops, jump ropes, Skechers...check!

9:00 -- Halfway to work, turn around and head back home. Remembered all the Brownie stuff but forgot the #$#%! work briefcase and laptop. There goes earlier work arrival!

9:30 -- Arrive at work. Get sucked into a vortex of non-stop meetings and on-the-fly conversations with colleagues. Breakfast is dry cereal straight out of box. Try to sneak eating lunch during major presentation (where I'm presenter).

2:10 -- Apologetically slink out of major presentation before it is over to head to Brownie meeting. Try to mentally make the shift from career cancer-fighter to Brownie meeting leader on the way. Mentally compose this blog post instead.

2:45 -- Arrive at Brownie meeting. Strip off high heel boots and throw on Skechers. Unload car.

2:50 -- Feed 13 antsy 9 year olds. Wrangle them into lesson about why Sports and Games are important to provide context and meaning to the next 45 minutes of meaningless fun and frivolity. Orchestrate various relay races and games. Get thumbs up from Angel. Goal was to avoid embarrassing her so consider meeting BIG success.

3:50 -- Clean up Brownie site, grab Angel and her best friend. Drop best friend off at her house. Drop Angel off at ours. Take quick bathroom break, quickly check work email on Blackberry and head back out.

4:30 -- Meet with therapist to figure out how to avoid going crazy. Any suggestions?

6:00 -- Arrive back home. Check work emails again. Get download from Nanny and kids on homefront happenings. Negotiate after-dinner snacks with the Boss. Referee more sisterly sniping. Scarf down dinner.

7:45 -- Orchestrate toy clean up. Threaten the Boss within an inch of her life for launching into the "I don't wanna clean up! I don't wanna go to bed!" routine. Not having it tonight.

8:00 -- Start bedtime routine including daily reminder to Angel to brush AND floss teeth. Read Boss bedtime story. Negotiate 8:30 lights out time with Angel, leave her reading in bed.

8:15 -- Download with Hubby on homefront happenings and to-dos for remainder of the week.

8:30 -- Fire up Twitter and begin composing blog post. Has it been 3 weeks since the last one?

9:30 -- Watch DVR'd Lost with Hubby.

10:30 -- Collapse and start all over again in the morning.

A Day in My Life

Yey, Us!!!

Sometimes activism actually pays off. After hearing from thousands of constituents, the US House of Representatives did the right thing and passed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act and the Paycheck Fairness Act. But we're not done yet. The Senate still has to pass it and the President has to sign it. You can urge your senators to pass this bill here.

If you're not familiar with her story and what the Fair Pay Act is about, here's Lilly herself telling her story.



The tragedy is that the Supreme Court ruled that, according to the law, she didn't file her claim soon enough. She was supposed to have filed her claim within 180 days after she got her first unequal paycheck. BEFORE she even knew she was getting unequal pay. Yeah. Makes absolutely no sense. So clearly we need to change the law to work for us and not against us.

It also occurs to me that while these laws are desperately needed measures, it's not the only way we'll end unequal pay. Employers often justify this unequal treatment by claiming that women are less of a sure investment as they are more likely to put in less time or leave their jobs to care for their families. The cold hard fact is that they are more likely to do those things because corporate America hasn't quite figured out how to accommodate the needs of working families. If employers embraced flexible work policies to allow either parent to take their kids to the doctor, stay home with sick children, go to parent-teacher conferences, etc., perhaps they'd have a better chance of retaining valuable employees.

Yey, Us!!!

Who Knew?

So I managed to survive my week as a psuedo-SAHM and I have to say, I learned some pretty surprising things. First and foremost I learned that when I'm focused on just one job instead of three, life is alot easier. I actually found some time to sleep. For multiple hours. In a row. And I could think. Clearly. And breathe. Also I was suprised to learn that my children are WAY more charming and engaging when I'm not doing 500 things at once.

And despite the fact that I had some time to think and breathe, I didn't necessarily get everything done that I wanted to. I wanted to organize some stuff. I wanted to blog more. I wanted to sleep. ALOT. But alas, there were PLENTY of basic things around here that kept me busy: making meals, organizing activities, running errands, emptying our dishwasher 100 times, nagging and herding children and doing endless laundry. Of course discovering our kadrillionth (that's a word, right?) case of head lice didn't help any. I spent tons of time combing and picking through childrens' heads, and needless to say doing exponential loads of laundry. But I kept up with it and I'm happy to say the house did not implode like I thought it might left in my care.

Probably the most surprising thing I learned was how physical the labor was. By mid-week, my arms and legs were beginning to ache. I started to actually feel all of that lifting of laundry, groceries and dishes, being on my feet all day...wait a minute, are you laughing at me? Are you sure? Because it feels like you're laughing at me. So, maybe I've gotten a little soft in my two years of full-time working mom-dom. Nanny does alot around here. But whatever. I've been stretching my brain. So much that it hurts most of the time when I'm working.

All in all it was an interesting week and I'm happy to say I didn't hate it. In fact, although it's never been my life's ambition to be a SAHM, I could maybe get used to it. I did really like that sleeping and breathing thing.

Who Knew?

This One's Gotta Stick

Last year I made a singular resolution. It was bold. It was profound. And it was a complete and utter failure.

Ok, I'm being a little hard on myself. It wasn't as if I tried and failed. It's just that the resolution itself was a bit of a reach. And pretty naive.

I had resolved to enjoy my life more, which is a perfectly valid and reasonable resolution. Except that I forgot that in order to enjoy my life, I had to like it first. I forgot to fix some things. I went from being mildly dissatisfied with my life in the beginning of the year, to completely hating it by the end. Instead of paring down on work like I had originally planned, I ramped up. To compensate for it, I changed some things at home. And I took on some extracurricular things I shouldn't have. The nail-biting election and tanking economy didn't help much.

As a result, by fall, I sank into a deep, dark hole. And by hole, I mean an honest-to-god depression. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't focus, I couldn't do much of anything. I barely held it together in public and fell apart at home. I became angry and lost interest in doing things I normally enjoy like blogging (notice how boring I got right around Sept/Oct? Given the unsubscribes around that time some of you clearly did.). Me, the one with the perfect house, the perfect job, the perfect husband, perfect nanny and the truly perfect kids. Me, the one with the relatively idyllic childhood (which I almost never bring up because, you know, who wants to hear that? Ok, my mom made me eat food I didn't like and talk to people I didn't know very well even though I was really, really shy. OK? Happy now?). I was actually depressed.

I'm feeling better now. Maybe it's because I finally admitted to myself and to Hubby that I needed help and started to look for some. Maybe it's because I read this disturbing article and realized that lots of other women like me are going through the same thing. Maybe it's because I've finally gotten some sleep. Or maybe it's because I know that things can only get better from here.

So my new singular and profound resolution for this year is to take a step back and do what I probably should have done last year. Fix my life. I'm not exactly sure how yet, but this is one resolution that I'm absolutely committed to keeping.

This One's Gotta Stick

Me and Gloria Together At Last

Since I've become a mother, I've had a love/hate relationship with Gloria Steinem. I've never met the woman, but my feelings about her have been wildly variable. Of course I worship her for her astounding accomplishments on behalf of the Women's Movement. She's brought us a long, long way and for that we owe her an enormous debt of gratitude.

But I also have felt that she hadn't brought us far enough. Although women can now freely choose whether to have a career or be a full time mother, I've often wondered what good is it to have the option when the world -- our workplaces and our homes -- haven't quite caught up to accommodate those choices. I mean, Gloria isn't a mom. How can she truly understand the struggles that us moms face in the face of the choices we have today?

Seems that I was wrong. Gloria was on Oprah a couple of weeks ago (in a see-through top and hot leather pants, no less) and she seems to get that we're not quite done making things ok for women:

"Yeah but we have in this wave maybe 60 years to go...we have alot of distance to cover because men are still not raising children the same as women are and women are still not [makes odd gesture as if to say 'fill in the blank']...I mean we can't say it's over."

When Oprah asks Gloria how she feels about women today not really knowing the history of the movement and how far we've come -- if she feels she's failed in some way to get us on board -- Gloria gives a great line: "Gratitude never radicalized anyone." I made this same point in response to this whiny post by a Gloria contemporary. Steinem makes the point that feminism is not about doing it all, it's about women not having to do it all and that as women experience the unfairness and inequities that still exist, we'll get radicalized to make the necessary changes.

Well, I'm feeling pretty radicalized these days, so I'm more than ready to join the movement. Momsrising is doing some great things to change our workplaces and our laws. But how do we change our husbands (or our daughter's husbands)?

Me and Gloria Together At Last

Angry

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that things are intense at work right now and I'm not getting much sleep. It could be the economy and the fact that I've now lost my psychological safety net. Not to mention the stress of this extended election.

But whatever it is, the dam has burst and I'm pissed. Really, really angry. I feel like I'm drowning in a never-ending sea of sadness and anger.

I'm mad that being a mom is so hard and no one bothered to tell me that before I became one. I'm livid that unless otherwise assigned, whether I have a full time job or not, everything under the category of "childrearing" falls to me. I'm seething that I was sold a bill of goods growing up in the 70s. Despite being brainwashed to the contrary, turns out I can't "do it all." I'm mad that as a working mom I'm stretched so thin I can't enjoy my job or muster up enough energy to fully engage with my kids when I'm home. Eventually something's got to give and right now that something seems to be my mental health.

Hubby is trying to be patient and supportive. He's always ready with a "How ya doin' honey?" or a sympathetic hug. I know I should be grateful. But as I'm drowning, it seems like he's sitting high and dry in a lifeboat, cheering me on and throwing me kisses, "How ya doin' honey? You're doing great!" And all the while there's a life preserver sitting right next to him that he can't seem to see no matter how many times or ways I try to point it out.

And so, yes, I'm mad at him too. I'm mad that even though he promised before we had kids that we'd split the responsibilities 50-50 (not 80-20, not even 60-40), he's not really willing or able to hold up his end of the deal. And just when I think I've finally come to accept the fact that men will be men and that women and their control tendencies share the burden of the blame, I seem to get angry all over again.

I'm pissed that there are no good solutions. No matter what, moms seem to get the short end of the stick. Whether they work or stay home, moms are never fully recognized or appreciated for all that they do to create and shape the next generation of the human race. I've yet to run across a mom who feels just wonderful, happy and secure in her life choices.

But mostly I'm mad at myself -- I'm upset that I'm seemingly not selfless enough for this mommy gig and that I can't just be grateful for the wonderful life that I have. After all, I have a loving husband, two beautiful and healthy daughters, a cat, a dog, a lovely house and a very good job. What more can anyone possibly want?

Angry

I'm a Core Competency Mom

So apparently there's a label for my latest experiment in trying to seek some sanity and balance in my life. According to Huffington Post contributor Laura Vanderkam, a "Core Competency Mom" is one that seeks to outsource various household tasks to focus our limited time at home on what matters most -- spending quality time with our kids.

Clearly great minds think alike. Either that or desperate is as desperate does (ok, I made that up. Couldn't think of a good cliche about desperation. You know what I mean.) Go read this post and Laura's interesting five-part series.

I'm a Core Competency Mom

If Carol Brady Can Do It

Remember this post where my split personalities once again duel in my head over the current state of my career? Turns out, Professional Amy and Professional Amy's employer ganged up on poor Mommy Amy. Sensing imminent doom, Professional Amy's boss offered her the chance to participate in a nifty new "Leadership Program" where she would learn how to hone her "leadership skills" through personal assessments, coaching sessions and management seminars. Professional Amy thought it was a great excuse not to quit her job terrific professional development opportunity she just couldn't pass up.

As consolation, Professional Amy and Hubby came up with a brilliant scheme to get Mommy Amy some more help. While Hubby had been pitching in and would continue to, we all agreed he wasn't the full solution. We needed someone who would be more capable available and proactive. So remember this job description? We realized we already had someone working for us who fit the bill. With the wave of our magic checkbook, we turned our nanny into a "house manager."

It made sense. Both girls would be in school full time in the fall and even when they weren't, they're old enough not to require Nanny's (real name cleverly disguised) full attention the way they did when they were little. We gave Nanny responsibility for cooking dinner for the family, keeping the house stocked with groceries, washing linens and towels and doing a variety of errands (dry cleaning, buying birthday party presents, keeping pet food stocked, etc.). Nanny, being the best. nanny. in. the. world. as well as a natural organization freak, is taking her new duties to heart and creating all kinds of fun organization projects for herself like cleaning out a variety of closets around the house.

Professional Amy is feeling a lighter load but Mommy Amy isn't quite so charmed by this new arrangement. It's hard not to have full control over the house. Nanny's got everything organized to the point where we can't find anything anymore. It's weird to have someone else cook our dinner. In an effort to impress us, Nanny's been trying these strange new dishes. We've gently tried telling her that we'd be very happy to eat the spaghetti and meatballs she made for the kids but she's determined to be the very best house manager she can be.

Carol Brady may have been content to sit around and sip coffee while Alice the Housekeeper controlled the house operations, but Mommy Amy never in a million years thought she'd be the kind of mom who relied on someone else to do what she considers "her job." In the meantime, Professional Amy is making an effort to curb her hours at the office to be around more for the kids. She's still struggling with the balance, but she's learning some things from this new leadership program.

We know we're lucky we can afford the extra help. We know we shouldn't complain. The discontent probably has more to do with how both Amy's are feeling about the job we're doing. We'll see how long this arrangement lasts. But this is where we are. For now.

If Carol Brady Can Do It

One Step Forward and Another One Back

When I first started this blog, I imagined creating wonderfully insightful and thought-leading posts about work-life balance issues. Turns out after spending most of my time thinking about how to cure cancer at my day job and trying to be the best mommy I can be the rest of the time, the brilliance just doesn't seem to flow like I thought it would.

But I have been a faithful email activist, keeping up with my action alerts from Momsrising.org, 9 to 5 and the National Organization of Women. I was thrilled to learn a few weeks ago that thanks to some heavy duty lobbying from Momsrising and several other organizations, New Jersey became the third state to pass a law that provides paid leave for workers to care for a sick family member or to bond with a newly born or adopted child. Three down, 47 more to go...I can't wait for this fight to come to Georgia. If you haven't signed up to receive action alerts from at least one of these organizations, you gotta go do it. Go ahead. Do it now. I'll wait till you get back.

At the same time, I was sickened to read that this past week, our federal government let families down yet again when the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee approved cutting a proposed eight weeks of paid parental leave for federal employees to only four weeks. The logic completely escapes me. Our government finally has a chance to prove it's not back-assward by providing American families some much needed support and it can't seem to get it together enough to support its own employees. Talent attrition alone should more than pay for this program, but apparently Committee Republicans argued that supporting this program in a spiraling economy sends a message that our lawmakers are out of touch with American citizens. So instead, they sent the message that they're out of touch with the needs of their own employees. I suppose four weeks is better than nothing, but it's hard to get excited about a program equivalent of holding out a life preserver only to pull it back and yell, "Psyche!"

Clearly the fight for family-friendly work policies is just beginning. Although I won't be leading this fight any time soon, thankfully others are on the forefront. I just stumbled across Washington Post's blog on work-life balance and they offer a super cool widget, now nestled in the sidebar of Up With Moms, so I can offer great work-life balance content even when I'm sidetracked by devotions in soccer or being (NOT) a Top Momma. Or you can read actual thought leaders like MojoMom, who like me is convinced that fixing our corporate infrastructure to support families is the next wave of feminism. Like our predecessors who fought to make it acceptable for women to achieve in the workplace, it's now up to us to make the workplace acceptable for us moms and our dads. Whether you're a thought leader or just a garden variety email activist, New Jersey is proof of the power of moms.

One Step Forward and Another One Back

From Both Sides Now

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but it's not easy having moms in the workplace.

Before you start composing the hate mail, let me just remind you a little about me. I've been a working mom for more than 8 years. Since I've had my kids, thanks to an enlightened boss, I've enjoyed a variety of flexible work arrangements over the years from part time to flex time. I am a champion for work-life balance and flexible work arrangements for moms.

But I'm also a supervisor in a department dominated by young women. Our operations director informed me today that among our staff we've had 11 pregnancies in two years. Aside from the multiple doctors appointments and inevitable absences from pregnancy-related issues, each pregnancy brings 12 weeks -- the average maternity leave -- of doing without a valuable member of our team. This means divvying up the workload among the poor souls left behind in the office. And each maternity leave brings months of anxiety -- will she come back to us after she falls in love with that precious baby? And if she doesn't, it means months more of doing without a key staff person until we hire a replacement.

Sometimes pregnancies don't even enter the picture. Last weekend, one of my directors called me saying she had a tiny emergency (it's never good news when an employee calls on a weekend). She and her husband had been given a sudden opportunity to adopt a newborn baby boy. They had to fly off to the other side of the country and would be gone for two weeks to meet their new son and finalize the paperwork. After that, she'd likely take maternity leave. Knowing that this woman had been trying for several years to start a family, I was truly elated for her. But at the same time, the supervisor in me was thinking OH, CRAP!!! How in the world would we cover for her on such short notice? As we've scrambled in the last week to close ranks and get things under control in her absence, the silent prayer began -- oh, god, PLEASE let her come back!!!!

Among the moms who do come back, many want flexible arrangements. Some want to work part time while others want to work only from home and/or with a flexible schedule. We've tried very hard to accommodate each request, sometimes by swapping out job responsibilities or pairing up two new moms in a job sharing situation. But the solution always depends on the individuals involved and the quantity and nature of the work that needs to be covered at the time. As we've tried to figure it out, it's felt a bit like putting a puzzle together. And sometimes, unfortunately, those puzzle pieces don't always fit perfectly.

I'm very aware of how my own working mom status inevitably imposes on others. Last week when DD#1 had yet another bout of lice (Yes, I did say lice. Again. Don't even go there.), I had to ask a colleague to give a presentation for me at the last minute. Thankfully he was willing, able and gracious about it. But I'm sure he wasn't thrilled to be asked. My own flexible schedule (working from home two afternoons a week) isn't ideal as it limits my ability to be there for my staff or attend certain meetings. Doing meetings by phone works in a pinch, but it's not as productive as being in a room with someone, being able to look them in the eye and connecting with them on a personal level.

There's no doubt that making these sacrifices for moms is ultimately worth it. We have retained valuable employees as a result. I myself would have quit years ago had I not been afforded the flexibility I continue to have. Our extreme situation of having working moms as the majority of our staff has worked in our favor in that it has shown the non-moms the value of retaining reliable co-workers vs. having to start over with a newbie. But as a manager, I can see how in an environment where the working mom is the exception and not the norm, putting up with the challenges motherhood brings to the workplace and the impact it has on others may seem undesirable.

I see the challenges of working motherhood from both sides now. And it's both of those sides that we will have to acknowledge and address when we advocate for work-life balance and flexible work arrangements.

From Both Sides Now

Inside My Head

We're having one of those conversations again. This time it's taking a decidedly different turn.

Mommy Amy: Ok, we tried it your way. It's not working for me.

Professional Amy: What? What do you mean? We got promoted! Twice!!!

Mommy Amy: Yeah, I admit, that last promotion was a very nice surprise...it's great to be appreciated. But we've been in this department for over a decade now. Are we learning? Are we growing? Is this worth the sacrifices we're making?

Professional Amy: But we have a "V" in our title now. And a "P"!

Mommy Amy: I get it, but I miss the kids. I feel so disconnected to what's going on with them. I'm tired of the last minute scrambles to get them to school or to get their stuff together for whatever's going on that week. I'm tired of juggling schedules to cover for sick days or for the freaking lice. I'm tired of being distracted by my Blackberry whenever I'm home. I'm tired of being an exhausted wretch trying to do it all.

Professional Amy: What about Hubby? He's supposed to be helping you...

Mommy Amy: Well, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I had to let him go. He just wasn't working out. Nice guy and everything...cute too...he's just not qualified for the job.

Professional Amy: What about Nanny?

Mommy Amy: Yes, she's amazing. We all love her and I would be very sorry to see her go. But we only have her a handful of hours a week and that's just not enough to cover everything. And NO, I don't want to up her hours -- I'm not going to farm out my mommy duties. If one more child calls me "Nanny," I'm going to cry.

Professional Amy: But this is a great job. We fight cancer. We get paid. We work with great people. We get benefits -- good ones!

Mommy Amy: I know. But I'm sure we can still stay involved with the organization -- maybe they'll give us some freelance work or we can be a volunteer.

Professional Amy: It makes no sense to quit now. The little one is almost in school full-time. That's normally when moms go BACK to work -- not quit.

Mommy Amy: That's ridiculous. Both kids are still young. They still need us. You're young! You'll have plenty of time to accomplish your goals when they're older. Look, I'm tired of being tired. All. the. time. Is that the kind of life you want? Is that what makes you happy?

Professional Amy: I don't know...

Mommy Amy: Why can't we try my way for a while? Maybe we could go back to school...advance the career and keep our mind sharp while we stay home with the kids for a while?

Professional Amy: I need to think about it.

Mommy Amy: I'll give you a few months, but at the end of this school year, I need a decision.

Not sure how this one is going to go down, but it's not looking good for the professional me.

Inside My Head

Hooked On Blogging

In honor of Valentines Day, I have to give a shout out to all the bloggers I love to read. Go ahead, check them out. They're all listed on the side of this blog. The clever, poignant and often laugh-out-loud brilliance that these women create and share on their blogs awes and inspires me everyday.

Now I'm going to have to ask them all a really big favor.

CUT IT OUT.

I know it's alot to ask. You've all clearly been doing this blogging thing for a long time and you've all amassed admirably strong followings.

But you people are killing me.

I just can't get enough! When I first discovered this blogging thing, I was reading two, maybe three blogs a few times a month. Then I stumbled across a few more incredible blogs and I started checking in on my favorites several times a week. Now, I've gotta have my blogging fix everyday and some days (and this is very painful to admit) I find myself flipping through my Google reader two or three times a day.

And then there's the flip side of creating my own masterpiece and obsessively checking my stat counters (yes, that's right, more than one) to see who might be reading me (thank you to my five loyal readers and the ten others of you who can't seem to figure out how to unsubscribe).

It's pathetic. It's gotta stop. I see an Oprah episode in the making (Mommies who neglect their families because of their addiction to blogging).

How do you manage your addiction?

Hooked On Blogging

Honey, You're Fired

WANTED: Supportive partner to help raise children and manage household. Must be proactive self-starter with ability to juggle multiple tasks with little to no supervision. Must be intuitive, nurturing, flexible and willing and able to shift plans on a moments notice. Positive, can-do attitude a plus.

About a year ago, I went back to work full-time. The timing wasn't ideal, but the opportunity presented itself and hubby was thrilled. Convinced I'm not happy unless I'm "in charge of alot of people, telling them what to do," hubby encouraged me to take the job (and the huge salary increase). To sweeten the deal, he promised to "step up" and "do whatever it takes" to "do his part" to help with my other full-time gig as a mom.

Despite his very good intentions and best efforts, I finally realized that he's just not the right guy for the mommy job. The evidence has been mounting:

Inability to follow instructions (or poor listening skills). Example: Last week, it was hubby's turn to stay home with a sick DD#1. Before I left for work, I gave explicit instructions: give her two more Tylenol tablets anytime after 11 am. Still, when I returned home at 2 pm, I found a feverish daughter laid out on the couch. When asked "Why didn't you give her the Tylenol?" hubby replied "I wasn't sure if or when I could give her anything." Hello? Two tablets? 11 am? Ring a bell?

Example #2: the very sad towel incident with DD#2 last month.

Total lack of intuition and initiative. Example: Also last week, it was hubby's turn to take DD#2, who we thought was fully recovered from the same flu bug, to preschool in the morning. DD#2 was still sleeping when I left the house for work, which immediately set off my mommy radar that something was wrong, but I opted not to wake her. A mid-day call from the preschool teacher confirmed my suspicions. DD#2 wasn't acting herself and felt warm to the touch. When asked whether DD#2 mentioned anything about feeling sick when she woke up, hubby said, "Yeah, she said something about being sick last night, but I didn't think anything of it."

Inability to perform duties without constant supervision. Example: After convincing hubby he needed to take DD#1 back to the doctor (which required a federal case and much yelling), I had to make the appointment and, despite him having been to the pediatrician's office several times, I had to give him detailed instructions on how to get there, what to do when he arrived, who to ask for and what to tell the doctor/nurse. I then called him 30 minutes before the appointment to make sure he had all the instructions straight. Good thing I did. ("What's the name of this place called again? Who do I ask for? What do I tell them?")

I could go on. One thing is for sure...I most definitely do not enjoy being in charge of anyone who cannot carry out their duties as assigned. I have serious doubts about whether I can manage the paying job and the mommy job all on my own, but that's another post for another day.

Right now my task seems very clear -- honey, I love you. You're fired.

Honey, You're Fired